Wisdom from the Trenches

As the old saying goes, “silence is golden”, meaning that silence is highly valued, even preferable to speaking. The underlying belief is that speaking creates noise and noise is often obnoxious, rattling, jarring, and agitating. Alternately, silence brings relaxation and space for introspective thoughts. Except for when it doesn’t. While silence when sitting in nature is certainly relaxing, silence while facing the headstone of a loved one who recently committed suicide is painful. Often, those left behind are left with one unanswered question, “Why didn’t they tell us…?” The choice that was made is preceded by silence and the silence that follows is the only answer available for those who mourn. Silence is not always golden. Sometimes silence can be deafening and sometimes silence can be deadly.

One of the most terrifying sounds in a parents’ life is actually silence. Questions fly through our minds at lightning speed when we notice the lack of sound in our homes: Why aren’t they making any noise? What are they up to? What has gone wrong? This keen awareness shouldn’t change when children become teenagers, especially if a child struggles with mental health issues. Not talking about it doesn’t make the problem go away. Silence makes a problem worse because the person is left to struggle alone. Such was the case with my daughter recently. Silence was the red flag that alerted me that something was very wrong in my own home. When I gently pressed my daughter, she handed me a letter that articulated her mental health struggles.

Yesterday, I took my daughter to the doctor and what happened there was life changing and eye opening for her…and for me. After listening to our concerns and her symptoms, her doctor turned to me with a question, “Is there any history of mental health issues in the family?” Immediately, I responded that I had also experienced hallucinations in high school that were terrifying, but brushed it all aside by stating that they had essentially gone away when I entered the military. I told her I have been diagnosed with clinical depression over a decade ago and have taken anti-depressants on and off throughout the years. I disclosed that I am currently taking anti-depressants. Her response floored me.

She informed us that there is a condition with depression-induced psychotic episodes, caused by a chemical imbalance of dopamine and serotonin levels in the brain. Just like any organ in our body, the brain struggles to grapple with everyday functioning when deprived of necessary chemicals and can experience negative symptoms because things aren’t as they should be. Treat the depression, by addressing the underlying medical issue, and the hallucinations go away!

As the doctor spoke, my mind traveled back to high school and fast-forwarded through the military, college, building a family, life…until it came back to present moment. In the seconds it took to flash back through my life, I realized this very important point: I was only ever “fine” when I was on anti-depressants. Hallucinations didn’t stop when I graduated high school. In fact, they significantly worsened when I experienced trauma! Hallucinations stopped only when I took medication that addressed my brain’s chemical imbalance. It is amazing how easily you can forget when you finally find relief! I simply forgot about all of my struggles because I wasn’t experiencing them in the present. God performed a miracle in my life with science.

As she aged into teen years, I helplessly watched my daughter begin to struggle and I cried out to God for help. He brought us to this precious doctor yesterday, who explained exactly what was happening, that it is a genetic condition, why it occurs, and how to treat it. She ordered a genetics test that isolates the genomes responsible for adverse reactions to certain medications and it determines whether certain medications would be beneficial or detrimental. She began to solve my daughter’s medical issue with science.

Shame immediately lifted off my shoulders. We don’t have weak faith. We’re not being spiritually attacked. We’re not “crazy”. We have a measurable chemical imbalance in a bodily organ. Just as a lack of oxygen can cause hallucinations, a lack of appropriate levels of dopamine and serotonin can cause hallucinations as well. Give a patient oxygen and the hallucinations disappear. Likewise, treat a chemical imbalance in the brain and hallucinations disappear. Fear fades. Peace returns. Equilibrium is restored to that person’s life when a medical professional can provide what the brain has been poorly struggling to function without for so long.

When we returned home, I researched depression-induced psychosis. It was frightening to learn that this condition is what leads many depressed individuals to take their own lives. People struggle in silence, afraid of being labeled “crazy”. The stigma in our world against mental health struggles forces so many into the shadows. And, when they silently fade away, their loves ones stand bewildered at a gravesite and wonder why. It deeply saddens me that society’s inability to understand or accept that the brain is an actual organ that needs certain things to properly function leads to stigma that stands in the way of people getting the medical help they need to live their best lives. Silence is deadly. When it comes to the issue of mental health, quietly avoiding frank discussions about it is incredibly harmful! We need to talk about our pain and our own journeys toward healing to create space for others to find the courage to seek their own path out of the darkness.

In the past, people like me were written off as a lost cause and thrown into institutions to be forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind. Society is beginning to understand and to find solutions that allow our world to continue including those who were historically ostracized because their brain suffered a medical malady. But yesterday, something stood out like a beacon of hope to me: My daughter will not need to struggle in fear and anxiety for decades before finding relief. My daughter will not need to suffer in silence. My daughter will not ever struggle alone. I refuse to shame her for something she did not ask for and cannot control. I have learned over time and now that I know better, I will do better. I will continue to talk about genetics with my family. I will continue to normalize seeking professional help for mental health. I will make open dialogue a common occurrence in our household. I will be a vocal advocate of both faith and science so everyone can receive appropriate treatment for mental health struggles without being shamed for seeking medical assistance, just as they would chemotherapy for cancer, casts for broken bones, eyeglasses for near-sightedness, insulin for Type I diabetes, and surgery when medically necessary. I will create the change I want to see in the world…and I will begin with my own family.

This is why I speak up about mental health issues. I disturb the silence to help people. I’m not searching for pity. I’m not here to scream about my struggles into the void. I’m joining a growing movement of people who desire to have an open and authentic conversation about mental health so others need not suffer in shame and silence. I’m vulnerable so others can know these truths: You do not struggle alone. There is hope. There is help. There is healing. Silence is not always your friend when you are struggling. Suffering does not need to be permanent. Suicide is not your only option.