Wisdom from the Trenches

Over a decade ago, well before the onset of a global pandemic and the presence of a war creating anxiety worldwide, I sat on the floor of my bedroom bawling over everything on a regular basis. My concerns seem so trivial now, but at the time, they were emotionally crippling me. I had a front row seat to every breaking media story and the weight of the world was threatening to crush my very soul. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate, I was attempting to raise three kids while going to individual counseling as my marriage collapsed around me. The world seemed so dark. I was so lost. My heart was so broken. Until one day, a revelation completely changed my life…I am not powerless.

In seeking to create a positive life, I took it one step at a time. And I started with electronics.

We now know that every social media platform, business, and electronic device tracks our activity online and feeds us more of the material that we consume. Articles have been written about it. Interrogations have occurred because of it. A movie – perhaps more than one by this time – has been made about it. We create our online environment through our actions, choices, words, online searches, lingering eye movements, and scrolling habits. At first, I thought I was being paranoid, but then, I began to realize that what I was seeing and what I was experiencing online was real. I was seeing more and more of the depressing news that I opened and viewed. I was seeing more and more from acquaintances whose views were inflammatory. I was seeing more and more of what was pushing me further into the dank, dark hole I had happened to land in and I could not seem to claw my way back out – try as I might. I was being given more of exactly what I didn’t want to see, so I decided to do something about it. While ditching my cellphone and laptop wasn’t a realistic option (for various reasons), I did have control over what I saw and when. We could claim to be powerless in this situation…or we could use it to our advantage. And that is exactly what I did so many years ago – I took back control of my life and my environment. This is how I did it:

The first thing to go was getting my news from social media platforms. I actively sought out content that was light-hearted, funny, inspiring, and uplifting. In so doing, I reset my newsfeed within days. I choose to get my news from magazines and newspapers at the local library, without checking the content out. I avoid annoying pop-up ads and my actions are no longer trackable. Actual, printed material for the win!

Next, I began messing with my phone just for the heck of it. While in the car, I loudly and randomly bring up topics that mean precious little to me. Suddenly, my phone thinks I’m interested in K-Pop, PStyles, and cats when in fact, I do not listen to K-Pop, I don’t want a PStyle (you looked it up, didn’t you?), and I hate cats. When ads pop up in Facebook and online for these items, I happily scroll by. Thanks for listening, Siri. Better luck next time.

When I am bored, I also like to mess with the knowledge sharing my apps do on my phone. I go into Amazon or random stores on the Internet and specifically search for the most obscure items, none of which I actually want. I carefully add all of them to a virtual shopping cart, where they stay. They will never be purchased. I don’t want a dissection kit for a cow’s eyeball, a new laptop, seven gargoyles, several cat toys, and car wash sponges! It’s fun to see the items pop up in my newsfeed and in advertisements. It gives me a laugh…and simultaneously creeps me out that Facebook is kind of like the monster who stalked me for a few years. *shudder* But seriously, this dramatically curtails any impulse buying that I might get sucked into because my apps recommend things I don’t find remotely interesting the vast majority of the time.

I also began setting boundaries, not on my usage at first, but rather on others’ access to my time. Nowhere in life does it say you are required to pay attention to every little thing everyone says. I certainly don’t expect others to pay this rapt of attention to me. Taking a break from people who are bringing you down or upsetting you is healthy and social media has made it incredibly easy to do this without hurting their feelings. There are “Snooze for thirty days” and “Unfollow” features that can silence others for a time or permanently. Obviously, if they are truly a wealth of toxic negativity in your life, it is entirely possible, and acceptable, to outright unfriend or block them. But I’m talking more about the people who post about how annoying their kids are when you struggle with infertility and your third adoption placement just fell through – maybe a sore spot. Or the family member who is on a soapbox for the third time this week about his or her political views that perhaps clash with yours. I’m talking about the irritants that don’t constitute a full-fledged unfriend or block, but certainly require some boundaries if you want to clear up your headspace. If only it were this easy in real life!

These features are especially useful when you are dealing with a passive aggressive individual who must remain in your “circle”, but with whom you just had a real-life disagreement. The moment that argument ends, take my advice and silence that person on social media because you and I both know they are going to make vague posts attacking you for the next few weeks. After a few weeks, things will most likely calm down because most unhealthy people have the attention span of a gnat if you aren’t feeding into their drama. They freely vent and they are none the wiser that you aren’t privy to any of their negativity because you are protected by a boundary that keeps them off your newsfeed. This is the easiest way to avoid passive aggressive outbursts, immaturity, and intentionally inflammatory remarks.

Speaking of boundaries, I did notice that I was far more anxious and depressed when I spend long amounts of time on an electronic device. I’m not one to covet someone else’s life. I’m happy you have a big house…but it’s not my thing. I’m so excited that you’re on vacation…I’m content living my life adventure one day at a time, wherever it takes me. I’m proud of your kid for being the absolute best at gymnastics…my kids have other interests and pursuits. Even if they didn’t, I’m not competing with anyone but myself. BUT…I think the reality of wasted or lost time sinks in for me, depressing me if I spend too much time mindlessly scrolling when I could be hiking or petting my dog or laughing over a cup of coffee with a good friend. It is almost a small touch of grief over missed opportunities. And so, I pull back and reassess every so often. I have to do this fairly regularly because electronic devices are known to be addicting and definitely suck me further in over time. It helps to turn the phone off, close the laptop, and walk away. I find something else of interest and engage myself in that activity instead, usually something creative or involving being out in nature. It always lifts my spirits to do so. More on that in a later blog post…

Much has been said in recent times about “toxic positivity”, a form of positivity that seeks to ignore reality and substitute an alternate fiction in its place. Toxic positivity is not actual positivity. Toxic positivity says you are fine…when you are not. It says that you should smile…when you don’t feel happy. It urges you to stop thinking about difficult situations entirely…and to always approach life with gratitude. Toxic positivity stems from denial.

In stark contrast, actual positivity comes from setting healthy boundaries on the world around you to cultivate an environment that is conducive to living the life you want to lead. Actual positivity doesn’t ignore when dark feelings emerge. Rather, it gives you back some control over what you will allow to affect your feelings. Without drama, negativity, and depressing stories invading your space and assaulting your mind every moment of the day, you create space to heal. When you create a healthier environment around you, you have space and time to capture your thoughts and analyze them to see if they are true, necessary, relevant, and in your best interests. This is not denial…this is healthy. If you can have a little fun and get a giggle as you do it, even better. Because laughter is healing, too.

I would love to hear from you! What step have you taken to create a more positive environment around you when it comes to electronics use?