Wisdom from the Trenches

I’ve already established numerous times here that I am a goal-setter, a go-getter, and a minor fretter; but set that last point aside and let’s focus on the positive, shall we? As I reflect on the past year and look forward to next year, I begin to set my sights on the change I would like to see in my life. Here are 24 things I’m aiming for in ‘24!

1. Respond, don’t react. For too long, I’ve allowed others to trigger me and I have responded poorly to their drama, harsh statements, accusations, and cruelty. Starting at the end of 2022, I began taking time to deal with my own insecurities, anger, frustration, and hurt feelings so I could provide a level response to inflammatory remarks, rather than a knee-jerk reaction in the moment. It was amazing to see how much drama I could avoid by offering a gentle response, rather than a hot-headed reaction! This is an area where I would like to see continuing improvement in 2024.

2. Forget the world’s definition of self-care…I’m practicing self-love. Now, I know I might get judgmental responses from some legalistic Christians for this one, but I’m holding firmly to this one. Jesus never taught or modeled despising who we are, dissing the life we live, treating ourselves like garbage, or equating low self-esteem to righteousness. Should my life be my idol or be elevated above others? Absolutely not. Do I have to treat myself poorly to prove my faith in God? Again, a resounding NO. Jesus was treated poorly by legalistic believers (bring on those nasty comments, legalistic believers!)…not by himself. Since “self-care” has morphed into borderline alcoholism paired with some basic hygiene practices, I’m choosing instead to practice self-love: treating my body and mind with the same kindness, generosity, and grace that I regularly extend to others.

3. Think before committing. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I said yes to nearly everything because I am an extrovert and I wanted to be socially active. Now that I’m pursuing a second Master’s degree and my time is limited, I need to stop and think before mindlessly committing to something – even if it’s something I’ve done before. I need to count the cost, not just in time and effort to participate or help, but also the opportunity cost of what I will not be able to do because my attention is focused elsewhere. Time is a valuable, limited resource. I’m getting older and busier. I no longer have the privilege of agreeing to everything that comes my way because I want to do it. I must now pause to prioritize.

4. Accept that others will view me in a negative light. When I was quietly raising my children and out of the public eye, very few people disliked me. Now that my kids are grown and my life has shifted to a more visible platform, I am finding that some people struggle a great deal with jealousy, anger, and insecurity – and tear others down to feel better about themselves. I have begun to accept that this says everything about the aggressor and nothing about the victim. And I’m learning to let it ride. Some people will hate me. Some people will like me. I can’t please everyone. I’m not chocolate.

5. Whatever I do, do it WELL. I would like to knuckle down and perform better in the things I’m called to focus on in life. I’m a list maker, right? If it’s on my list to be done, I want to put my full effort into it and do it very well. And I think I could do that if I stepped away from social media more often…

6. Put the phone down at least one day each week! I write blogs on my phone through an app. I answer email from my phone. I manage work-related tasks with my phone. Most of my lists are on my phone. I photograph memories with my phone. I track hikes and diet on my phone. I read the Bible and e-books on my phone. I listen to audiobooks, podcasts, and music on my phone. There’s more…but I already feel this amounts to excessive staring at a tiny screen (says the woman typing this on her phone). Periodically, I went entire days without looking at my phone in 2023…but they were few and far between. I would like to put my phone down at least one day each week in 2024.

7. Write more (just not on my phone). I have paper and pencils in my house. I want to continue to increase the amount of time I spend writing in 2024…but to be healthier about it, I think I will switch to old-fashioned methods. I’ve heard this lessens distractions, increases creativity, and kills way more trees. That last bit aside, I see this as a positive change.

8. Participate in a NO SPEND month. I’ve only done this a few times in my adult life. It actually wasn’t restrictive…it was refreshing! Obviously, regular bills must be paid to keep the lights on and not die of starvation, but all discretionary spending was a NO for an entire month. I don’t eat out often, but it eliminated that completely and I lost weight. I had excess money in the bank. I looked for freebies – like going to a concert in the park or obtaining culture passes to enter city attractions for free. When I went back to spending, I was way more mindful about where my money went and I continued to use freebies as often as possible. It was like hitting a financial reset button.

9. Read like there’s no tomorrow. In 2023, I aimed to read 36 books – three each month. I met that goal in October…and continued to read. In May, I finished a year-long trip around the world, where I read a book about, from, or in 16 different countries. I mapped my trip on an actual map. I sent postcards and letters to my grandma so she could “travel” with me. When she passed away, I didn’t stop reading, but I switched to other types of books because life is short and I want to make the most of it. In 2024, I hope to continue that level of reading. It means I’m not watching a ton of TV or doom scrolling on social media. It means I’m learning, laughing, or living vicariously through others’ adventures. It means I’m enjoying my best life because I love reading!

10. Cook a new dish from a foreign country at least once a month. Listen, I’ve been doing this for several years and it is an absolute winner! We are going to eat anyway, so why not have fun with it?? Once every thirty days or so, I attempt to make something traditional from another country. This sometimes forces me into amazing specialty grocery stores or requires me to order items online. I’ve made some duds and I’ve been introduced to some amazing foods that are now part of our regular diet. This year, I made Moroccan Beef Stew, Italian Focaccia Bread, Irish Jambons, and many more. Next year, I will continue this tradition with my family.

11. Get out more. I love to travel. The trips don’t have to be large and expensive. I’ve gone on free hikes into the wilderness and trips to local sights that didn’t cost a dime. The point is to get out of my house and I honestly don’t care where, as long as the trip gets me out of my routine and most enclosed spaces. I have noticed that for this to happen on the regular, I will need to be more intentional about planning for it. Because when I’m short on time, there is limited space for spontaneity! Bare minimum, I would like to walk the couple of paces out to my porch and sit in a chair next to my dog more often.

12. Brush up on foreign languages. I found a Japanese tutor in high school and bartered a deal where I taught him English and he taught me Japanese. I was trained to be a Russian linguist in the Army. I was stationed in Germany for two years. As the years pass, my language ability in these three languages wastes away without consistent use. In 2023, I started using an app to brush up on my vocabulary in all three languages…but promptly dumped it when I got bored. In 2024, I want to make a concerted effort to work all three languages into my week, every week, for the entire year.

13. Eat like my body matters to me. I’m working on incorporating mindful eating into my everyday life. Instead of mindlessly cramming junk food into my pie hole while I watch TV, I am intentionally taking notice (and inventory) of what I am eating, how much, and why. What I’m noticing is that I don’t eat like my body matters to me anymore…and I don’t like that. I’m not waiting until next year to change this. I started to change this awhile ago and I will continue to increase my awareness and self-control as I move into the new year.

14. Marie Kondo negativity from my life. Is this person’s attitude or words sparking joy in my life? If not, I will hold their complaints for a short time, but not forever. I am learning that others’ unhappiness need not clutter my mind, destroying my peace and joy. I can listen without lifting the weight from them. I can validate without filling a void for them. I can acknowledge without accepting their issues into my life. I can be fully present in their darkness and remain fully positive.

15. Get more sleep. When I am healthy, I need exactly 7.5 hours of sleep each night to feel well-rested. During the Fall semester this year, I aimed to go to my bedroom each night at 9PM and get up at 5AM, giving me a solid 8 hours of downtime. Several minutes of that time is just settling in for the night: getting ready for bed, making myself comfortable, etc. Approximately 15-20 minutes of that is prayer and mindfulness. Over the last two months, this practice has been slipping and I have begun robbing myself of valuable rest time. However, thinking that exhausting myself will make me more productive is obviously a lie. Since my time at the university will be later in the day during the Spring semester, I can return to my previous 10PM-6AM sleep schedule (which I am on right now), but I am determined to protect this time at all costs because rest is of the utmost importance to my overall health, sanity, and productivity.

16. Send more snail mail. I realized a while back that I really like receiving something in my mailbox. Something other than political fliers and junk mail, that is. So I began sending cards. While I’m not perfect in consistency, I’m becoming more intentional about investing in relationships. For a small pittance, I can send something to brighten someone’s day and let them know that I care deeply about them. This is why I carry a pen and a book of stamps in my wallet. You never know when you might see a card or postcard that reminds you of someone! Instead of buying it and forgetting to send it; I purchase it, sit down at a nearby table, write it out, slap a stamp on that baby, and search for the nearest mailbox. Signed, sealed, and delivered – usually in less than ten minutes! I got better at this practice in 2023 and I would like to make it a regular habit in 2024.

17. Reflect on each week. I journal, but not as often as I would like anymore. Next year, I am aiming to return to journaling at least once a week. In the past, this regular practice gave me time, every Sunday, to reflect on the week’s highs and lows, my attitudes and behaviors, and any feelings I needed to process. I stopped making a point of this in 2023…and I want to return to this in 2024 because it was powerful in helping me become more aware of my internal reality and gave me time to re-align my behavior with the outcome I desire for my life. This wasn’t something that took a long time. If I have ten minutes to doom scroll on social media, I can certainly spend that same amount of time reflecting back on my week and recording those thoughts in a journal.

18. Stop apologizing for things I didn’t do wrong. I used to over-apologize for the most ridiculous things until I realized two fundamental things about apologies: The first is that constant apologizing for things that aren’t wrong or aren’t my fault cheapens my actual apologies when they need to be said. The second is that constant apologies make me appear incompetent, less intelligent, and sometimes truly insincere. When someone asks for my assistance in writing a BOOK, but I have neither the time nor the desire to do such a large task for free, why would I apologize when declining the request? I’ve done nothing wrong, it doesn’t soften the blow, and it’s definitely not heartfelt. In 2024, I want to hone the skill of communicating my actual thoughts on a matter, without any insincere self-debasement.

19. Cultivate a more interesting wardrobe. I’m bored with normal and I’m tired of fitting in. I’m thinking of making changes to my wardrobe in 2024 that closely resemble my out-of-the-box brain. I want bold statement pieces that very few people are confident enough to wear, and I want to unashamedly wear them as if they were jeans and a t-shirt. I want comfort, without sacrificing style. And I want to get it all from Goodwill because I firmly believe in reusing, reimagining, and revitalizing my looks on a budget that my bank firmly believes my account can handle.

20. Increase the hygge. Hygge – the Danish word that is essentially synonymous with comfortable cozy contentment…I want more of that. I was married in Denmark nearly 25 years ago and, ever since, this country, its culture, and the people have fascinated me. I want a house I love coming home to. I want to be surrounded by things that are inviting, welcoming, cozy, and relaxing. I want a world that slows down at the end of each day and reminds me about what is most important.

21. Letting go of unreasonable expectations. Whether I have imposed them on myself or I encounter someone who is expecting things from me that I’m either unwilling or incapable of meeting, I want to recognize unreasonable expectations and say sayonara as quickly as humanly possible to them. If someone wants me to work three jobs for one, low paycheck, this isn’t reasonable. If I find myself feeling I should be available for every phone call at a moment’s notice, this isn’t reasonable. I won’t waste any more time worrying about how to accomplish an unreasonable expectation or fretting about what another person will think about me for saying no. I will simply communicate what I can and cannot do – and let the details fall into place by themselves.

22. Maintain mental flexibility. Some people think I aim too high, have too many goals, do too many things. They don’t live my life. I do. So I set goals for how I want to live, but this one is super important to maintain: mental flexibility, and the ability to roll with the punches (because life certainly has a way of throwing me some curveballs!). Case in point? I aimed to write 48 blog posts this year, four per month. I fell off the bandwagon roundabout when my grandma passed away because I needed to step back and give myself time to feel. I was able to stand back up, but not nearly at the rate I had set out to achieve. I am ending the year with 37 total blog posts, but I don’t feel down about that! That’s 37 MORE blog posts than ZERO. And I consider that a good thing! I also set a goal to write a second book, but never even started because I chose to apply to grad school instead. Life changes. Goals can change with it. That’s OK.

23. Tackle my anxiety head-on…with mindfulness and yoga. For a time this year, I made an effort to practice yoga and mindful meditation five days per week. This wasn’t some funky, new-age emptying of my mind and connecting with an inner peace within me. Rather, it was the physical practice of grounding myself, learning to control my breathing, and choosing to pay close attention to my thoughts and feelings, redirecting as appropriate. I noticed that my anxiety was not completely eliminated, but was significantly reduced. I was sold…and then, I went back to school and this routine went right out the window! 2024 will be the year of renewing my commitment to work on reducing my anxiety so that I can be fully present while in class and with my family in the evenings. This matters and is a priority to me. I have deemed it thus.

24. Allow myself space and time to grow, and remember that others are doing the same. When I have a disagreement with another person, it is easy for me to notice my personal growth as time passes but remember them frozen in history, at the last point where we interacted. In 2024, I want to become better at remembering that everyone (even people I might be at odds with at the moment) is moving forward in life – learning, growing, changing. Apparently, this is incredibly common in the entire human population! We have a front-row seat to watch ourselves and those closest to us as we all learn and grow, but forget that those who are out of sight also continue to learn and grow – and are not the same people we spoke to so long ago. It’s super common for people to think that they are the only ones becoming better people, expanding their knowledge, and healing…but this isn’t true. It’s simply the reality accepted because it’s backed up by the evidence we see from a limited vantage point. I want to embrace a more realistic frame of mind in all areas of my life in 2024, and, although this is last on my list, this is one of the best places I will start.