Wisdom from the Trenches

This year has been a year of intense learning, not just in a formal education setting as I pursue my Master of Social Work, but also through revelations in the day-to-day as I sat silently, prayed, listened, and reflected. I am a work in progress. I love lifelong learning. So each lesson means the world to me and I hope I can remember them well by sharing them here with you:

• Focus requires an intentional letting go. If I want to specifically focus on something God has called me to do or something that is super important to me, focus requires an intentional letting go of the things that are not meant to be with me on my journey anymore and a commitment to the new path placed before me. It is uncomfortable because I must walk away from some things I enjoy to fully embrace the new things coming into my life. I simply cannot have it all, all the time, all at once. Some things must go…but it doesn’t mean those things being left behind are bad, and it doesn’t mean that I will never see them again. Focus in life requires that I narrow my attention for a time. What I do with this life I am given is up to me. I believe there are times to step back and just enjoy all that life has to offer and times to really knuckle down and focus on the important task set before me. It’s all about balance. In those moments where focus is necessary, I need to be prepared to say goodbye to some things for a time or forever so I am free to fix my eyes solely on the current goal I am aiming to reach.
• I can be right AND wrong at the same time. This is a lesson I learned fifteen years ago that has resurfaced time and time again, but this year an additional element was added to it: the concept of revenge. I have a strong sense of justice and I have a temper. When I am wronged, I want to set the record straight; but how I choose to confront others is of the utmost importance. The facts can be on my side, my perspective can make perfect sense to me and even to others, the Bible can even back me up, but if I come down harshly on someone in “tough love” or in the name of “truth”, I’m only justifying hurting another person who hurt me…and this is the very definition of revenge. Revenge is “the action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands.” If I profess to be a Christian, I believe vengeance is something best left to God. Giving full vent to my rage over something I perceive to be an unjust situation and then self-righteously defending it as “speaking truth” does not actually align with my beliefs because I am playing God by exacting justice in my own, imperfect way – by seeking revenge. I can be right because that person might actually be in the wrong, but how I confront that person (with a haughty heart, with a brutal tongue lashing, and with calculated words that are meant to sting) is itself vengeful and wrong.
• Failure isn’t fatal. Sometimes, things just don’t work out exactly how I envisioned at that precise moment, but that doesn’t mean I’m not moving forward in life! Life has its ups and downs, twists and turns, surprises and routine. If something I’ve worked hard on doesn’t succeed, it doesn’t mean my life is worthless and my effort was in vain. I always, always, always learn something in the process that I need for the next task I will tackle. Case in point: writing a book is a big lift that takes perseverance. If it doesn’t get picked up by a traditional publisher, that’s pretty normal. Rejections don’t mean I shouldn’t have wasted my time writing a memoir! I organized my thoughts, I solidified my beliefs, I remembered my journey, I practiced vulnerability, and I lived perseverance. All of these lessons, characteristics, and practices are useful in the next endeavor I chose to pursue. Nothing went to waste…and the failure to reach a level I dreamt of reaching at the time I aimed to get there did not kill my ability to dream or my motivation to continue reaching for the stars!
• Boundaries are good for me…and help others. For so long, I have allowed others unlimited and unchecked access to my life and schedule so that I could have some semblance of a social life. When others had the time to meet, I would create availability in my own calendar. But I have learned that setting boundaries not only frees me to focus on what’s necessary for me to do at that time, but also helps me limit any detrimental effect others’ issues have on my life. This protects my mental health and allows me to be more fully present when I do get to hang out with someone again. I can remain calm when there is chaos because I set aside time and arrived mentally prepared to face it. The fact that I have protected my peace with reasonable and sound boundaries makes all the difference in the world. There was another bonus my counselor brought up that I wasn’t even aware of: When I was openly available at all times to anyone, I had become the distraction others needed to avoid their own uncomfortable emotions and the reality of their present situations. I was bending over backwards to “rescue” others when they wanted to run from deep emotions and, in the process, had become an obstacle to their healing journeys! When I removed the role I played in distracting them, it freed them up to deal with their own lives! I was no longer a ready distraction that blocked their forward progress. Setting boundaries protected me and helped them.
• Not everything is about me. This year, I have seen that the majority of the time, something I might take personal offense to actually has nothing to do with me! When upset by a harsh word, complaints, passive aggressive behavior, or openly hostile remarks, I learned to take time to pause. I began to approach others with curiosity. Why do they feel that way? What makes them think that? How did they come to that conclusion? What I have found is that most people speak without filters when they are tired, hungry, or having a bad day! And so do I. While many people don’t intend to offend, their remarks can be taken as hurtful because it was said without careful thought and consideration. At the same time, I began to realize that the same is true of me and my fun mouth. If others are imperfect, it only makes sense that, as a human, I probably am as well. So instead of defending some careless remark I made without a second thought, I took to apologizing when my flippant remarks unintentionally hurt someone. Why do I feel the need to be right all the time when I am just as thoughtless sometimes as others? So I worked to actively change my behavior by putting a stop to impulsive reactions, especially defensiveness, and began to embrace compassionate responding. Do you know what I noticed? I was in significantly less conflicts! Very few people are able to cling to their anger when the response to their harsh words is compassionate, calm, and carefully worded. For the most part, people are people. We all have bad days where we run our mouths when we shouldn’t and react poorly in the moment. Responding graciously to someone who is having a rough time usually helps calm them down. This holds true for me as well. When I have had an off day, others’ gracious attitudes toward me have helped me to calm down as well.

Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list of everything I learned this year, but it is an overview of some of the most important lessons I learned over the past twelve months. These revelations have had a profound impact on my behavior, my spiritual beliefs, and the peace I have in my life. I hope your 2023 was equally as enlightening and that 2024 comes with great personal growth, happy memories, and blessings beyond measure. Happy New Year!