Wisdom from the Trenches

As we stare into the vortex of peak chaos that we call the holiday season (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the start of a new year…), chalk full of festivities with friends and family, allow me to be the first to reassure you that your boundaries matter. Your feelings matter. If no one else will validate that for you, hear me out: YOU MATTER. You are a living, breathing person who is just as important to this world as anyone else.

I have been learning my equal value as a person over the years and slowly improving at the setting of the boundaries thing. In the past, I would get very good at setting and maintaining healthier boundaries with one toxic individual – while simultaneously attempting to hold together a relationship with another toxic individual that was clearly falling apart. Instead of setting the same standard with everyone by operating off the same set of personal boundaries, I would police a boundary line with one person while allowing another to cross my boundaries numerous times before becoming resentful at them and turning my attention toward triaging that relationship! And the cycle would continue. Lather, rinse, repeat. It was exhausting.

What I realized is that I don’t really need to set and maintain healthy boundaries in each of my challenging relationships. Rather, I need to work on increasing my self-esteem so that I would feel confident enough to uphold one set of healthy boundaries equally across the board, in both healthy and toxic relationships! Instead of saying that so-and-so cannot speak to me in a condescending manner…I instead say that I will not remain in any situation where someone – anyone – is speaking to me in a condescending manner. The first is me trying to control one person – them (ie. not a boundary). The second is me also trying to control one person – me. There is a huge difference between the two. The second one is truly a personal boundary.

What are boundaries? Boundaries are distinct lines you have drawn to protect your own mind, body, and spirit from damage, manipulation, or overuse. Boundaries are not made to control another person. Boundaries communicate what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable toward you. Boundaries are all about what behaviors you will personally not tolerate and what you will do to minimize the behavior’s effect on you if someone crosses said boundary. Let me give you two common examples that usually stress and/or destroy relationships during the holiday season.

Toxic person #1: The Blatant Villains. This person repeatedly speaks to you as if you are worthless and rarely (or never) takes responsibility for their behavior and apologizes. They are always openly hostile and launch fiery arrows at you in the form of pointed statements, inflamed with hatred. They do not validate your feelings when they have hurt you because they meant to say that thing that hurt you deeply. Assertive communication simply notifies them that they accomplished their objective. They act as if everything is always your fault. This person’s behavior is selfish and narcissistic. If you have already attempted to communicate your feelings and behavior got worse (especially if they used your feelings against you), it is important to stop communicating feelings! I’m not talking about a person who, when confronted, disagrees with your perspective on the situation because misunderstandings often occur within families. I’m talking about a person who openly verbally attacks you and then, when confronted, becomes worse. I recently learned in counseling that the important thing here is to draw the line in love, work at controlling all reactions to their statements because they feed off of drama and chaos, and minimize further damage; but leave room for possible redemption in the future, if they are willing to respect your boundaries.

What you want to say: Are you *!%!#€£ kidding me?!? What the actual €~^{>?\£ is WRONG with you?!?

What you actually say: You can’t talk to me like that. I am never speaking to you again!

What you could say: I don’t feel comfortable being spoken to in that way. If you continue to speak to me like this, I will end the conversation and walk away. When we can discuss this in a respectful manner, we can try this conversation again.

Toxic person #2: The Hidden Threat. This person is passive aggressive and often makes remarks that might seem innocuous to others, but are cloaked attacks on you. This is not the person who accidentally says things. This is intentional, and very hurtful. If they pay you a compliment, it always comes with a caveat. Passive aggressive people are terribly insecure and will do or say anything to tear you down or ruin your fun plans so that they can feel better about themselves. These are the ones who actively work to destroy your confidence, reputation, and happiness. Silent treatment, sarcasm, and sabotage are passive aggressive maneuvers.

I once dealt with a passive aggressive person who would offer to help out so I could take a much-needed break, but would always back out near the last minute with a snide, “I feel awful because something else suddenly came up and now you can’t go! Oh well…maybe next time.” If I got upset, they were the victim because it was always something “beyond their control” that pulled them away from the commitment they made to me. We are not talking legitimate excuses. This person was a master at sabotage and created a pattern of behavior. I learned through counseling that the important thing here is to confront the behavior directly and state how it makes you feel, without expecting an apology, and then do what needs to be done to ensure you are not the victim of a repeat situation.

What you want to say: I hate you, you *#^% unreliable &$^#*#!

What you actually say: I’m not an idiot! I can clearly see you’re doing this on purpose, you insensitive prick! You’ve ruined everything – AGAIN!

What you could say: I’m disappointed you aren’t following through with the commitment you made to me. Thankfully, I made backup plans, so I will still be able to do what I had planned.

The holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year. The holidays can also be super stressful for many, due to unhealthy relational dynamics. While there are certainly circumstances where only one person is fully to blame for the demise of a relationship, it is far more likely (and way less popular to state outright) that both individuals in the relationship contributed to the unhealthy behaviors that tore apart that relationship. Toxicity, whether blatant or passive aggressive, is unhealthy in relationships, but so is having a lack of boundaries. In order to reconcile, both must learn to honor personal boundaries and communicate in an assertive manner – openly, honestly, and respectfully.

So, yes, YOU MATTER and it is okay to protect your heart and mind from toxic individuals all year long. What I didn’t say is that you are more important than everyone else. That declaration would elevate you to a status where everyone is below you. Not true. You are equally as important as everyone else. I hope you operate from a place of humble confidence this holiday season, firmly establishing boundaries that keep you sane and healthy, while simultaneously extending to others treatment that sets a precedent and mature example of healthy communication. Happy Holidays!