Wisdom from the Trenches

For years, I was writing a book about my healing journey. It took so long to write because I am a procrastinator, it contained difficult material, and life threw painful curveballs at me constantly. I even wrote a chapter titled “The Book That Almost Wasn’t” because when I really knuckled down to write, in 2018, I was slammed every single month with something horrible (that chapter did not make it into the final version of the manuscript, but became a personal reminder of my resiliency).

The worst blow I experienced that year was the time I went to a Beth Moore conference in another state, stayed in a hotel on base (that just happened to actually be barracks with rooms identical to the one I was sexually assaulted in when I was a young soldier). The night watch on that base (even though the military police assured us he should not have had keys to the hotel rooms) let a drunk man into our hotel room and, ignoring my friend’s and my cries that it was the WRONG ROOM, the night watch reached inside our room and shut the door, leaving us alone and in the dark with a very drunk man who began undressing, instantly retraumatizing me. If friends had not been there to witness it all go down (and one friend in particular who sprang out of bed to save us both by kicking the drunk guy out of our room), I don’t think anyone would have believed that it actually happened. That is the type of stuff I got hit with when I wrote. Bizarre stuff. And so, it took longer than expected to finish my book.

When completed, I wrote book proposals and sent them out to publishers. I received a few nibbles – and then one really promising bite! Everything went swimmingly until the last step of the process, where I was politely rejected by that publisher. For years, I had thrown so much energy into finishing my manuscript. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed, a lot relieved (it takes courage to put yourself out there under your real name), and kind of confused. What now, God?

I believe that questions in life have three basic answers: Sometimes, it’s a YES – and you achieve what you are pursuing in that moment. Sometimes, it’s a NO – and what you are doing is not meant to be. Ever. Sometimes, it’s a NOT NOW – and you move on to something else while you wait for the timing to be right. I truly believe that letter wasn’t a forever rejection for me…it was a NOT NOW. It was a pivot point. I shifted my focus to the next thing I wanted to do with my life while I waited for the timing to be right for the book.

But first, I printed out the rejection letter, turned it over, and wrote a letter to God on the back. In the letter, I wrote that I was thankful I was considered by that publisher because I learned so much about the proposal process. I wrote about what I learned from God when I was writing the book itself. I also wrote that I was proud of myself for being courageous enough to finish an entire manuscript about my deepest pain and my imperfect progress toward healing over the years. I had learned somewhere along the way that this can help process rejection in a way that motivates you to keep going.

I filed the rejection letter away.

I sat for a time, staring blankly at the wall.

And then, I opened my laptop and applied to an MSW program at a local university so I could become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and help others heal from trauma.

I was accepted one week later.

Pivot.

But this pivot goes hand-in-hand with publishing a book. I’m not walking away from that dream…I’m walking alongside it on a slightly separate, yet fully compatible, path. For a time.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that, lately, there are times I’ve gone silent for longer than normal on this blog. It’s not due to depression, it’s because assignments are due. I started my master’s program in mid-August and I could not be happier! I’m focused. I’m learning something new. I’m working toward being officially certified to help others. In a few short years, I won’t have to say, “I’m not a licensed counselor,” anymore! Most importantly, I’m not stuck in life, trying to bang down a door that was shut on me. I simply turned that day and walked around it.

In the military, I used to march in formation with other soldiers. Someone would march alongside the group, calling cadence, to keep us in step with one another, and to guide us. I almost always had lines of soldiers ahead of me, blocking my view. It was good to have someone else calling the shots, navigating the group around obstacles and getting us to our final destinations. So many times, I was told to turn, to change direction entirely. Other times, I was told to go around something that was blocking my way, but I would be directed back onto the same path again. Then there were the times I was told to slow my forward progress or stop entirely…and wait.

Our lives are like a military march with our unit. We cannot always see what is directly in front of us all the time. We don’t always know where we are ultimately headed. We move forward until someone directs us to slow down, take another route, go around something, or stop. If we don’t pay attention to directions, we risk walking into something that blocks us, arriving at somewhere before we are ready, or heading off in the wrong direction entirely and missing our final destination altogether. My point is this: Whether you listen to God, your conscience, or cues that life throws at you from time to time, this journey through life has a way of twisting and turning at times. Take the turn. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are abandoning the previous dream you were working on…it might just be a quick trip around an obstacle. Regardless of the reason why, the shift is a new adventure that will either return you to the same path, lead you to a better way, help you arrive at just the right time, and keep you safe while on the journey.

Embrace the pivot.