Wisdom from the Trenches

I took my place on center stage in front of the director and briefly introduced myself. He asked me why I was auditioning for the theatrical production and my response startled him: auditioning for a play was on my Bucket List. In case you’ve been living under a rock forever and don’t know, the term “Bucket List” was created in reference to the phrase “Kick the bucket”, which means to die. A Bucket List is made by someone who knows they are about to die (like if they have been diagnosed with a terminal illness), where they list the things they have always wanted to try but have never done…and then, they do those things before they pass away.

“Forgive me if this is an intrusive question: Are you dying?” the director asked me, clearly concerned for my health and wellbeing.

“Aren’t we all?” I responded, shrugged, and giggled. It’s not that I view life and death flippantly. On the contrary, I take it quite seriously because it is a reality we are all going to face at some point. It is a sobering fact to accept that all life is precious, while simultaneously acknowledging that time is fleeting. But instead of being morbid about this fact of life, this acceptance has brought me peace – and has served as a constant reminder that I should truly live every day to its fullest! I explained to that director that I keep a Bucket List because I want to truly live while I have the energy and vitality to do so. If I wait until the moment I’m diagnosed with some terminal condition that begins a countdown with far less time than I thought I had in this life, I’ve waited way too long to begin living. From my perspective, I’ve already accepted my own mortality and so I know that the clock is already counting down…what better time than now to live a full life in the remaining time I have left?

So I actively keep a Bucket List. My list is kept conveniently in the notes area of my phone, where I can check off and add things whenever I want. This is why my Bucket List is always expanding. It is a living document for me, a person who truly wants to live a memorable and unforgettable life! As I think of an item to add or take interest in a new hobby or hear of a new exotic location, I immediately add it to my list before I forget it and most certainly before I have the opportunity to question the legitimacy of it!

What I have compiled over time is my brainstorming list of things I would like to do in this lifetime and there is not place or need for critically examining whether or not an item belongs on the list in the first place. Just that extra moment to evaluate something gives my mind enough time to allow anxiety or logic to creep in and ruin a perfectly good dream. No. I don’t let anything rain on my parade when it comes to daydreaming or living the adventurous life I want to live. As long as the ideas are not harmful to myself or others, I type them in!

Originally, my Bucket List did not contain “Sing in an opera”, but when a viable opportunity presented itself, I added it to my list. My husband immediately picked on me about adding it to the list when I began practice sessions to actually perform in an opera (more about that experience in my blog next week). His reasoning was that I can’t just add things to my Bucket List if I’m already taking action to do them! So I set the record straight: First of all, it’s MY Bucket List, so I make the rules about what I can and cannot add to it. Secondly, I was in practice to potentially be chosen to perform in an opera, so it wasn’t a done deal. And finally, when an interesting opportunity pops up that I had not previously considered, I can absolutely write it down and make it my new dream or goal in the moment!

Here’s the most important thing I’ve ever learned about living the adventurous life: Don’t let anyone tell you what can and cannot be done as you live your life. Most of the time, this criticism comes from conservative individuals who play it safe and have so many regrets later in life. Or from well-intentioned people who have a fixed mindset about how things have to be. But I don’t have enough time remaining on the clock to play it safe and I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum, so to speak, so following the prescribed path for things has never been on my agenda.

This is why I have the following (as well as hundreds more) on my Ever-Expanding Bucket List:

• Build a marionette
• Participate in a flash mob
• Appear in a movie
• Learn felting
• Visit the Statue of Liberty
• Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
• Publish a book

But here’s the deal: It’s not enough to create a Bucket List; the whole point of a Bucket List is to get out there and make time to do the items on the Bucket List! Writing dreams or goals down doesn’t enrich one’s life…taking action does. Depression and anxiety can really get in the way of actually taking action. It’s a doozy of a concoction: I know I need to get outside of my comfort zone and experience life to halt the descent into crippling depression…but I’m also terrified of life because of the nightmare that has happened to me in the past. I’ll talk about anxiety in my next blog post, but how does someone push past depression when it causes a lack of motivation to even so much as shower, let alone get out there and skydive! Baby steps, my friend. Baby steps. Here are some of the things I found helpful as I addressed my depression so I could build the kind of life I wanted to live:

1. Seek professional help. Listen, anytime I’m struggling, I turn to my God, my dog, and my doc. All three have helped me pushed past clinical depression at different times throughout my life. Maybe you’re not a religious person and that’s fine. The important part here is that you seek professional help from someone who has expert-level knowledge and can provide tangible assistance (not to Cousin Mel and his ability to Google WebMD). In my case, this is my God (who provides insight into what is on my heart and mind), my dog (who provides unconditional love regardless of how disgusting I look or how much I ugly cry), and my doc (who performs health checks and provides expert medical advice on how to best care for my physical body). And then, follow that professional advice by doing what they say, even if you don’t want to. Take that anti-depressant, give God your worries even though the sky seems to be falling, walk that dog so that he stops looking at you with those sad little puppy eyes.
2. Step outside. When things are really bad, I baby step myself out the door every day to walk the dog, get the mail, or just sit in the sun for a hot minute (I live in the Southwest, so it is almost always an extremely hot minute). The beauty of nature is proven to boost energy and mood levels; and the vitamin D internally created during exposure to sunlight from March to October is an absolute game changer! Staring at walls feeds into feelings of limit and despair. It is easy when surrounded by walls that never change to think that your life will never change. Stepping outside invites change! The world opens up and is less confining, everything becomes brighter, experiences are new, the air is fresher, and vitamin D production increases. Sure, there are insects that want to stab you and people who will try to talk to you, but at least the walls aren’t closing in on you anymore. Sometimes, just getting outside for a moment is a real struggle so making it part of a routine and forcing myself into it by owning an energetic Labrador retriever has helped me quite a bit.
3. Plan downtime… On really difficult days, I don’t expect myself to create adventure, accomplish amazing feats, or even maintain my previous level of activity. I lower my expectations of myself and focus on one thing at a time, the most important thing I can do in that moment. If I need a shower, I do that. Adequate amounts of sleep is always super important, so sometimes I do that. If I need a good cry to release toxins, I do that. The important point here is that I never expect myself to leap over the moon in a single bound when I’ve fallen into a pit of despair. I keep my expectations of myself in line with what is realistic in the moment, increasing and decreasing as necessary.
4. …but set a timer. It’s absolutely important to give myself downtime to recharge. However, depression can quickly spiral into a one person pity party, so one of my counselors suggested setting a limit so I don’t wallow. If I’m very sad, I can lay in bed and be very sad…for one hour. Then, I will get up and be sad in the shower or while eating breakfast because a change of scenery is necessary to eventually getting better. In the military, I developed an ability to boss myself around so that even when I don’t want to do something, I still do that thing through the power of sheer will and determination. [Please note that this recommendation is near impossible if underlying mental health and medical issues have not been properly diagnosed and treated. Willpower by itself cannot save someone from a severe dopamine deficit, but after, or in conjunction with, proper medical treatment, employing stubborn willpower as a coping mechanism to propel myself forward on the harder days is necessary.]

My personality is really quirky, outgoing, and adventurous; but I still have obstacles. I’ve had to push through bouts of depression to live the life I want to live. It’s not easy and I wouldn’t dream of acting like there is a simple formula to total health, but I assure you that taking each laborious step forward is entirely worth the effort…even when it exhausts you. And this is how I did that: by seeking help when I need help, by stepping outside on a regular basis for sun and exercise, by allowing myself downtime when the going got tough. But I always keep in mind that life is precious and the clock is ticking, so I have a good cry on the bad days…but I make myself get up to dry my eyes so I can move forward because, ultimately, life really is all I do before I kick the bucket.