Wisdom from the Trenches

I have had a person cuss me out upon first meeting me…and then become my best friend. I have had many disagreements with close friends (some passive-aggressive and some outright ugly fights)…and yet, the friendships mended and remained strong. And I have met some real duds in my life. These are the people who pretended to be my friend, sidled ever closer to me, heard my deepest secrets, and cannibalized the relationship for reasons I will never understand. Conflict is unavoidable. Cunning betrayal is unloving. I can understand disliking someone. I can understand really hitting it off with someone. But I cannot, for the life of me, understand pretending to like someone you ultimately despise so you can attempt to bring them down.

Someone who feigns friendship, but exhibits the red flags consistent with a foe is neither friend nor foe. This is a frenemy, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This is sometimes the most difficult person to spot as unsafe in a support network, but I have learned over time that it is critical to weed this person out of my inner circle as quickly as possible, because they can be one of the most damaging to my healing journey. A frenemy works very hard at gaining trust, just so that they can shatter it. For someone healing from trauma, particularly a trauma where another human betrayed you in a way that scarred you for life, a frenemy can be extra devastating. So if someone shows any mixture of the following, to any varying degree, I don’t suggest you proceed with caution around this person…I suggest you RUN!

A frenemy is:

• Competitive – Nothing will make you feel worse than a person whose only goal is to compete with you so they can be the center of attention. When speaking with this person, it is less of a conversation and more of a monologue. Sports are an appropriate area for competitiveness, but when a friend frequently one-ups you with stories that draw the attention back to them in conversation or when they monopolize the time you have together to talk about themselves, maybe it’s time to reassess the relationship. If you’ve experienced the loss of a pet, they’ve experienced a greater loss of a pet they had for much longer. If you just got fired, they want to tell you about the time they lost their job years ago in a way more traumatic fashion over something super trivial and unjust, obviously. If you want to celebrate an accomplishment, they have an even bigger accomplishment in their past that took far more effort than yours did. This isn’t a coincidental moment where the two of you have great things going on at roughly the same times (like buying a house and having a baby). This isn’t a friend who has good things happening to them that they also have a legitimate right to celebrate. What I’m talking about here is a habitual undermining of almost everything that goes on in your life with something worse, far better, more meaningful, exponentially more grievous, or necessitating much more attention at that time. With frenemies who are competitive, time is irrelevant. The dog you lost yesterday means almost nothing compared to the tortoise they had for literally their entire life and who died last year in a tragic accident involving a squirrel, two hand grenades, and a soap dispenser. This person constantly needs to be in the spotlight and cannot handle allowing others their moment. Ever. The biggest issue with competitiveness like this in relationships is that it leaves you feeling unheard and unimportant because you are always in the other person’s shadow. For a victim of trauma, who struggles immensely with worth issues and whose words meant nothing to the person who hurt them deeply in the past, a competitive frenemy impedes improvement in two of the core areas where a victim most needs healing.
• Contemptuous– A frenemy views you with contempt. Unfortunately, “secretly” despising someone doesn’t last long because contempt will always leak out through condescending remarks. They talk down to you as if you are a child, but you’re a full-grown adult. They -splain concepts to you, yet they are not the expert. They launch into a monologue to educate you on an issue, but they never took the time to find out what you already know. Treating someone in a patronizing manner by helping them when they do not need the help, explaining something when they did not ask for an explanation, and lecturing them to display superiority and expertise in an area is incredibly rude. But coming from a frenemy, contemptuous and condescending attitudes are a pointed attack to derail your self confidence, to treat you as if you are perpetually helpless, and to firmly put you in your place – beneath the frenemy. For a victim of trauma, a condescending frenemy stands in the way of developing a healthy self esteem, which is essential to combating the helplessness experienced in the past so you can feel empowered to confidently face your present and your future.
• Controlling – I have encountered controlling people on a wide spectrum, from overt to covert, and everything in between. The worst I have experienced was when a friend told me disparaging things about another woman and then issued an ultimatum: “I just don’t know if I can continue being friends with you if you’re still going to be her friend after knowing what she said to me.” She was seeking to triangulate me into the conflict and side with her so that she felt validated in her hatred and judgment of the other person. But I don’t play those games. First of all, what transpired between the two of them was a misunderstanding. Second of all, I wasn’t there and had nothing to do with the situation. Third of all, I liked both of them at the time and hoped they could work it out. Finally, this is outright controlling behavior that I find absolutely unacceptable in healthy relationships. I called this friend on the controlling nature of the ultimatum and urged her to directly work it out with the other woman. The friend retracted her ultimatum and continued to be my friend…while bad-mouthing me to others. When I found out she was a frenemy, I cut her out of my life. I should have cut the cord sooner. If you know someone who wants to negotiate the terms of your life, that person is not an asset to your support network! For a victim of trauma, a controlling frenemy stunts the opportunity to make autonomous decisions and regain power over one’s own life.
• Critical – If the frenemy is passive aggressive, they might rely on backhanded compliments to get the criticism across. These types of compliments often seem to come with caveats. Your hair looks nice…for your age. Your dress is really cute…in that size. This person will work extra hard to say things that sow seeds of insecurity and make you question your own choices. It’s as if they place a knife on the counter so they can enjoy watching you pick it up and stab yourself with it by becoming offended by their backhanded compliments. When you don’t pick up the knife…when these people don’t receive a reaction to their nasty passive-aggressive attacks, the victory loses much of its luster. If the frenemy has an aggressive streak, they might openly criticize you to your face or they might gossip about others to you. Critical people are unhappy people. They are unhappy with their own lives and point out others’ faults to feel better about themselves. They tear down others to feel like they are better than that person. For a victim of trauma, a critical frenemy feeds negativity into a mind that struggles to stay positive. Critical frenemies, and even critical people in general, have precious little to say that’s nice, uplifting, good, pure, and right…which makes fighting depression a far more difficult battle than it needs to be. It has been very helpful to me to limit my exposure to excessive negativity.
• Calloused – Frenemies aren’t in your life because they care about you. By definition, frenemies exist because of a lack of care for you. Their hearts and minds are calloused to your pain, which is why they don’t have any trouble hurting you! I remember once telling a group of friends that I had just entered counseling for sexual trauma and, while two of my friends responded with empathy, the third literally responded, “So what! Everyone has that happen to them at some point. Get over it.” My heart goes out to that woman for the trauma she had obviously normalized as something everyone experiences. But I also learned that day that just because she obviously shared that experience in her past does not mean that she was a safe person to have in my support network while I worked on healing. People who are seeking a healthier existence cannot pair themselves with unhealthy people. This is the very definition of unequally yoked! At the time this was said to me, this person was thankfully not a close friend of mine. I never opened up to her again. She wasn’t evil…she simply wasn’t a safe person for me. She clearly also needed help, but I knew enough to know that I am not her Jesus and I don’t need to sacrifice my mental health for another’s comfort. And so, space was necessary. For a victim of trauma, a calloused frenemy is an incredibly unsafe person to be vulnerable around because this person will minimize (and sometimes even mock) the intense emotions that must be faced and processed in order to heal.

On the other hand, a friend is:

• Cooperative – A true friend will work with you, not against you. They don’t hog the spotlight because they are comfortable in their own skin and secure in who they are as a person, traits they can pass on through their equitable treatment of others. For a trauma victim, this person helps restore their sense of self worth because they are treated with dignity and their contributions, achievements, and presence are equally valued in the relationship.
• Conversational – True friendship is where the monologues disappear and discussions involve both give and take. True friends don’t dominate the conversation as if they know it all, but let everyone participate on equal ground. This can be very healing for a trauma victim because they can practice speaking up and begin to feel heard, which is incredibly empowering.
• Confiding – A good, safe relationship of any kind is built on trust. A friend is someone who knows the dividing line where you end and they begin…and doesn’t cross into territory that isn’t theirs to manage. Instead of controlling, they trust that you have matters under control in your life and they keep matters under control in their own. When discussing private matters, a real friend knows not to share what you have entrusted to them in confidence. For a trauma victim, this begins to restore trust in themselves (as they are allowed to make their own choices), but also helps to restore trust in others (as they begin to see that not everyone is out to hurt them).
• Complimentary – Real compliments don’t come with extra baggage. A true friend is encouraging, without discouraging you in the same breath. A real friend will compliment, without insulting you at the same time. This is someone who builds you up and doesn’t tear you down. For a trauma victim who struggles with negativity tornadoes rampaging through their head, a positive person is a breath of fresh air! These friends have a superpower that can literally help rewire an injured brain from catastrophic thinking to a mindset grounded in gratitude. Words have the power to hurt or to heal – and a friend chooses their words carefully to help heal.
• Caring – Nothing can replace the safety and security created in a relationship where the other person is genuinely concerned about your wellbeing. No one is perfect. At some point in all relationships, each person involved will fail the other in some way. But those who genuinely care about you and love you will make the effort and time to work things out through assertive and respectful conversation, practice active listening, apologize for their unhealthy contribution to the situation, and try their best to do better, out of love for you. This demonstrates loving kindness and care. For a victim who was mistreated, abused, and demeaned at the hands of others, a gentle caring approach to relationship demonstrates a love with which they are unfamiliar, but desire. Care for others is how love breaks through barriers.

As I did the deep work and as I continue to live out the remainder of my days, I need to do so with eyes wide open and a guarded heart. I have learned to choose wisely because who I surround myself with in my innermost circle matters immensely to where I will be in the future. I leave space to help those who struggle on the peripheral…but I have learned to be selective when it comes to the support system that I bring closest to me. As I grow and as I heal, I become better at assessing the safety of each individual I encounter. I allow the necessary distance to protect myself when encountering frenemies because they are not in a place in their journey to accept an equitable friendship built on mutual respect and genuine care for each other.

I have learned that not everyone who began the journey at my side will finish the race still by my side. Relationships have the ability to change over time and sometimes, frenemies take a little time to show their true intentions. Most importantly, I have learned that the greatest difference between friends and frenemies is this: Friends are there for me just as I should be for them, but frenemies are there solely for how the relationship serves them.

May we not just find true friends. May we also BE true friends.