Wisdom from the Trenches

When mothers find out their friend is pregnant for the first time, they have a very typical response that I like to call “Mom Hazing”. The time between finding out about their friend’s first pregnancy and between the actual birth is filled with the telling and retelling of some of the most horrific birthing stories one can ever imagine. Much like fishermen telling stories of the “one that got away”, each fish bigger than the one in the previous story; moms try to one-up each other with the absolute worst birthing experience. All to prove a point: Oh my word…childbirth is incredibly painful! But mothers never talk about the incredible pain of losing friendships along the way due to a dramatic shift in your values, priorities, communication, and perspectives.

Why do I bring this up? Because, when it comes to the topic of therapy, many people have horror stories to share about a bad therapist, confronting skeletons in the closet that brought back night terrors and panic attacks, and all about the hard work and effort it takes to heal. Because oh my word…therapy is incredibly painful! But not many people talk about the incredible pain of losing relationships during, and after, successful therapy. Specifically, not very many warnings are made about how therapy will cause a dramatic shift in your personal beliefs, priorities, ability to communicate, and your perspectives that will upend unhealthy relationships around you.

Unhealthy people are surrounded by other unhealthy people. “Healthy” people – people who have a clear understanding of who they are, good self-esteem, and practice assertive communication in almost all circumstances in life – will usually move away from an unhealthy person’s life as boundaries are crossed and red flags are viewed, for their own health and safety. “Unhealthy” people – people who define their worth with external factors, are insecure, and vacillate between aggressive and passive communication styles – will become very close to another unhealthy person…and will stick around far longer in another unhealthy person’s life because they are willing to tolerate significantly more bad decisions from someone for a variety of self-serving reasons.

When I began the difficult work in counseling, the healthy people in my life stepped away a little bit because I began to show some serious red flags and their boundaries were being violated…by me. This doesn’t mean I was evil. This meant I was not a safe person for a them to be around at that time. They could recognize this because the signals I gave off were clear indications that distance was necessary to minimize the damage I could cause the relationship. The unhealthy people in my life moved emotionally closer to me when I was at my unhealthiest because they personally benefited from being near an individual more unhealthy than them. I became their project – to fix, their puppet – to control, their entertainment – to distract them from their own issues, or their example – of what to avoid, as if my suffering was always my choice.

During counseling, I worked hard on myself to understand why I behaved and communicated in an unhealthy manner and I had opportunities to grow and emotionally mature. Over time, I gained the ability to communicate and respond in a healthier manner to others. The closest relationships around me at that time, which were dependent upon an unequal power dynamic built upon the other person’s judgmental belief that I was the most or only unhealthy one, all received an unexpected response from me at some point – a healthier response that differed from our previous unhealthy (but comfortable) pattern of communication. Every unhealthy person did not like this change in me. Every unhealthy person responded negatively to the new me. Every unhealthy person gave off the typical toxic red flags and violated my boundaries in an attempt to keep the relationship unhealthy.

Counselors helped me navigate the minefield set before me by unhealthy folks, a minefield meant to trigger me and lure me back into an unhealthy relationship with them. I once told a counselor about a particularly hurtful situation that I reacted very poorly to and asked her how I could have reacted better. Clearly, I must have anger issues because I had responded angrily. I wanted to learn and grow, to become more self controlled and healthier. She responded, “Laura, a good counselor will never seek to eliminate a normal human reaction to a bad situation.” We are supposed to be angry over something that is truly unjust! We will naturally respond defensively when we are unfairly attacked! Therapy does not exist to make patients apathetic about being abused, bullied, manipulated, used, threatened, betrayed, or maligned. Therapy exists to help patients respond appropriately to all situations.

Through counseling, I learned that the person on the other end of an unhealthy relationship, who has not shared my growth and is not in the same place as I am, will not be happy when a relationship no longer leans in their favor, when I am no longer easily manipulated, when I refuse to be the scapegoat, or when they can no longer use me as a measuring stick to prove their life is so much better than mine. Unhealthy relationships rely on the fact that I will respond a certain way to their behaviors, words, and choices – that I will respond in a codependent manner, or passively accept anything they dish out, or behave in a way that distract them from their own overwhelming issues. When I changed and no longer supplied them with what they needed to feel good about themselves, the unhealthy relationships in my life really struggled. Conflict that had brewed under the surface and slowly ate at my confidence erupted through the surface as I became healthier. Therapy was the tipping point where the conflict boiled over the top and the hidden ugliness in those relationships became painfully obvious.

Unfortunately, unhealthy people often see assertive communication as aggressive communication because it holds them accountable and calls for a change they are not willing to make. As a result, I needed to be prepared to lose people who were once very important to me or I risked being constantly triggered by unhealthy interactions! I’m not talking about cutting people out of my life simply because they disagreed with me – that’s petty. I’m not talking about punishing people who won’t allow me to walk all over them – that’s abusive. I’m talking about the distancing that must occur when others are unwilling or unable to make the healthy changes in their own life that are necessary to the health of a relationship.

Here is the sad truth and painful reality about therapy that is rarely discussed: You will outgrow people you dearly love if they are unwilling or unable to grow with you.

Those who are relatively healthy will face their own unhealthy contributions to the relationship, they will apologize, and they will change in order to grow with you. Those who were only there because your unhealthy mess fed their ego, made them feel better about themselves in comparison, or made you easy to manipulate and control, are people who did not have good motives for being in your life in the first place. These people will instigate chaos to trigger you into returning to your unhealthy self, they won’t take responsibility for any issues in the relationship so they can maintain the façade that they aren’t flawed individuals, and/or they will reject you because they don’t wish to be in a relationship that stands on equal ground with you.

You can think of each individual in your life as a dance partner. Each relationship performs a delicate dance as you navigate each day. When you and the other person are in an unhealthy relationship, the movements are chaotic…like head-banging. You and your metaphorical dance partner flail around, sometimes clashing…sometimes narrowly avoiding collision, but the dance serves a purpose and both of you accept the poor communication, the destructive behaviors, and the hurtful choices in the relationship as the norm. Until you don’t. In therapy, you learn that boundaries are okay and that hurtful behavior isn’t loving…and you begin to see that relationship for what it truly is.

So you change how you dance. You stop screaming and start asserting yourself. You stop allowing full access to someone who hasn’t done everything they need to do to rebuild the trust they shattered and you start setting boundaries that protect your sanity, your peace, and your mental health. You stop reacting and you start responding. You stop head-banging…and you start to slowly waltz.

But the other person was content head-banging and continues to BASH into you at full force as they thrash about. You and the other person are no longer in sync with each other. Their perpetual chaos creates conflict and frequently disrupts your increasingly peaceful, meditative dance steps. It feels awkward because it is. It requires problem solving. You cannot continue two separate dances in such close proximity to one another when one person’s dance is causing you personal harm.

You can either return to the unhealthy dance…but you are now aware you weren’t happy with the way that relationship previously operated. The downside to therapy is that it ruins you from returning happily to prior chaos. You get a glimpse of how relationships should be and you no longer want to accept cheap knockoffs. Without an indication that the other person is willing to change, the only other viable option is that some distance must be made for both dance steps to continue. Like I mentioned before, a healthy person moves away from an unhealthy person when the red flags are visible and boundaries are being violated. This leaves the unhealthy person with the space to decide whether to continue in dysfunction or…

I once asked my counselor, “What happens if the other person doesn’t change?” and her response chilled me to the core. She simply shrugged her shoulders and sighed. Because the choice lies with the two involved in that relationship. They can remain distant from one another, estranged, but in enough contact to continue dancing within sight of one another. In this situation, hurtful behavior is still visible to the healthier person. Or they can choose to part ways. But in both scenarios, neither allows for a close and satisfying relationship with someone who has chosen to remain unhealthy.

And here is why: Unhealthy people make choices that hurt those nearest to them. As you heal, your self confidence increases and you begin to see yourself as worthy of being treated in a way that upholds your basic human dignity. Then, you begin to see you are worth being treated not just with a basic level of common courtesy, but in a loving manner…because you begin to understand that you are here on this Earth to both give and receive love. The final step in therapy is that your eyes open to the red flags in relationships around you where the other person no longer shares your value system, your perspectives, nor your desire for personal or relational growth…and it becomes obvious that you are holding out hope for someone who is incapable of providing you with the love and respect you desire and deserve. Out of respect and love for yourself, when you are finally ready to do so, you create the space necessary so they can continue their dysfunctional behaviors without further affecting you and without distracting you by continuing on your own toward healing. It is a courageous and simultaneously incredibly painful choice to make, but you finally choose to dance alone instead of pretending to dance with someone who is no longer dancing with you.