Wisdom from the Trenches

There is a story that is circulating around the Internet that goes something like this:

A soldier finds himself caught in a deep hole. Try as he might, he cannot climb out. He scrambles and frantically grabs at everything around him, to no avail. “HELP!” he cries.

Along comes his sergeant. The sergeant asks what he’s doing down there. The soldier replies that he fell in the hole and cannot get back out. So the sergeant throws him a shovel and tells him to dig his way out. The sergeant tells the soldier that when he gets tired digging, the soldier needs to remember that pain is just weakness leaving the body, suck it up, and drive on. The sergeant leaves. The soldier begins to dig, but only digs himself further in to the mess of a situation he is in. “HELP!” he cries.

Along comes a psychologist. The psychologist asks what he’s doing down there. The soldier replies that he fell in the hole and cannot get back out. The psychologist begins to ask him about his current feelings and his past experiences that led to falling in the hole. The psychologist listens for 45 minutes and then tells the soldier he will be back again the following week. The soldier collapses in despair. “HELP!” he cries.

Along comes a preacher. The preacher asks what he’s doing down there. The soldier replies that he fell in the hole and cannot get back out. The preacher talks to him for a bit before letting him know God cares about his situation and promises to pray for help to arrive. The preacher leaves. Again, the soldier collapses. One last time, the soldier desperately cries out, “HELP!”

Along comes a friend. From above, the soldier hears his friend’s familiar voice ask him what he’s doing down there. The soldier shouts to his friend that he fell in this hole and cannot find a way to get back out. The friend tells him to lean against the side of the hole and the soldier complies. Before he can protest, the friend jumps down into the hole with him. The soldier shouts, “Why did you do THAT? Now we are BOTH stuck!” The friend puts his arm around the soldier’s shoulders and says, “I’ve been stuck in a hole like this before. I know how to get out. I came down here so you won’t be alone while we get out together.”

One of the most compassionate things we can do for someone who is really struggling is to come alongside them. Judging, advice giving, and encouraging them from afar doesn’t help nearly as much as our physical presence and our attentiveness for those who are closest to us. Why is this so important?

Because the answer to many difficulties is connection. People matter. Relationships are the only legacy that mean anything in this life. You can be a wild success at whatever you put your hand to while you are alive and people will pity you as you die and when you are gone because you didn’t experience real love. Don’t take me wrong here: I’m not talking a romantic relationship. Love happens within the framework of emotional connection, genuine care, and the vulnerability offered from one to another when we feel safe to be our true selves. Love happens in countless platonic relationships around the globe, all the time, throughout history and well into the future. Love isn’t just relegated to sex. If you think it is, there is a deep wound or a serious addiction in your life that needs to be dealt with to experience actual love and not the counterfeit you have accepted.

Isolation makes everything feel much worse than it actually is. Loneliness makes struggles seem insurmountable and hopeless. The “lone wolf” faces the cruelty of the environment unprotected and, when he is in a weakened state, even the smallest danger can have catastrophic consequences. Solitary confinement has been known to drive people crazy. Children in orphanages who rarely receive loving attention turn to repetitive, self-destructive behaviors. Deprivation of connection can lead to self-harm, despair, addiction, and death. Alternately, authentic connection is soothing, reassuring, nurturing, and – in so many cases – healing.

I have learned lessons while “in the pit” that I write about in this blog. I want to share with you so that you know what you are going through is not hopeless. In a way, I want you to know that I sit with you in the bottom of the trenches from which we fight depression and anxiety. If you lack support or if you simply need more people in your corner than what you currently have, I’m here alongside you as a Battle Buddy. I struggle next to you with similar issues. I’m fighting the fight as well. I’m learning as I go, but I’m willing to share with you when I know a way out, as I hope you will share with me what has helped you as well.

But I cannot replace a safe family member or friend, someone who truly knows you well. This is the person who knows the real you – someone who is well acquainted with your strengths and weaknesses, your successes and failures. This is not the person who is only privy to your carefully curated persona and your fake faults that aren’t even really that bad. A true friend knows your worst faults – not the ones you choose to divulge and sugar-coat to sound like a better person than you actually are. This person has seen firsthand the absolute real you and hasn’t abandoned you despite all of your qualities. They are sticking it out to the bitter end with you. They don’t just agree with you or pet your ego. A real friend who sticks closer than a brother is willing to speak truth to you, even when it is uncomfortable to hear. They are ready and willing to go toe-to-toe with you when you are out of line and a reality check is necessary, but they also know when to back off and sit with you in the midst of real emotional pain. Real connection, true love for someone, actual vulnerability challenges you to grow, encourages you to carry on, perseveres when times are tough, forgives offensive ways, stays present when you push away. Anything less is superficial and counterfeit.

There is a disturbing trend in the Christian church where very hurt individuals remain aloof from others, saying they rely solely on their close relationship with God to get them through life. This is a trauma response – to push away others, but to justify it as somehow more Christian or more holy because “I only need Jesus” isn’t Scripturally sound. If you are a Christian, listen to me here: We only need Jesus for our salvation, but we were designed to be in close relationships with others as we walk through this life. We were never made to go through life alone. We were created to interact with others, to form relationships, to connect. We persevere because others pick us up when we fall. We stay warm when we huddle together. We heal through connection. It was never meant to be just God and you, without any others in the mix. Other people were always intended to be a part of your journey. “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12b) – you, a close friend, God.

When I have hit my lowest emotional lows in life, I have been most grateful that God has sent people into my life who have been willing to jump down into the pit with me so I am not alone while I find my way out. In those moments, other people have been the hands and feet of Jesus in my darkest hours. They have brought light and love into my life through authentic connection in a way that superficial relationships or self-reliance (even when camouflaged as spiritual dependence) never will. May we be blessed by these kinds of friends when we encounter seemingly hopeless situations. May we BE these kinds of friends when we see others encounter difficult situations.