Wisdom from the Trenches

For the longest time after encountering trauma, I lived a reactionary life to the lies rumbling around in my head. I had been told nasty things about who I am as a person, called despicable names, degraded, humiliated, and treated sub-human. I lived in fear and I had low self-esteem due to the rampaging tornado that swirled in my head.

Trauma hurts the body, yes. It also disrupts any spiritual connection one might have with God. But it literally damages the organ we know as the brain in the same manner an injury would. Doctors are finding that PTSD is not so much a “disorder” as it is an “injury”. In response to the injury of trauma, brains alter how they operate and the result is a chemical and hormone imbalance that would throw even the healthiest and mentally strongest person into a tailspin. Intrusive thoughts lie and exacerbate this problem.

BUT…the situation isn’t hopeless for those who have suffered trauma. There are therapies that work, medications that help, prayer and mindfulness bring peace and healing, and we have power within ourselves to take back control of our life and change our behavior to some extent. In many ways, we have been given the ability to self heal…and we have a myriad of resources at our disposal to not only survive, but to thrive!

Through trial and error (and by the grace of God) I have learned over time that I do not have to live with a broken record of doom in my head. The battle I face inside me isn’t imagined, it was very real stemming from a monster who stalked and attacked me. I felt watched like prey because I have actually been followed by a predator in my past. Most of the words that play like a broken record in my head were his words, but I have added to those words my own petty, fear-filled lies that hold me back from living my best life and make me second-guess myself. Some are serious, some are silly…but all fly by and pelt me with their ugly little words before disappearing into the shadows once again. But I learned that I have the power to “change the channel”.

Now, let’s all take a moment to pause. I don’t want to come across as someone who minimizes the struggles victims go through on a regular basis. Listen, this is something that is easier said than done. But nothing in this life that is worthwhile is easy…and of all the people I have met, trauma victims are the strongest and most capable people I’ve ever known. But sometimes, just making it through another day takes heroic effort and I don’t want to come across as someone who doesn’t recognize that. The courage it takes to face each new day and to do the work to heal something someone else broke is incredible. Know that I respect you. If what I am saying resonates with you, great. If it doesn’t, scrap it, move on, and find the thing that works best for you. Regardless of what you find and use to heal, I encourage pursuing healing because it is worth every step of the journey. YOU are worth every step of the journey. Unpause.

As I began my deep trauma work in therapy years ago, I learned that I can stop these intrusive thoughts in their tracks and retrain my brain to follow a different path toward truth. One by one, I worked hard to dismantle the thoughts that I realized were not in my best interest to have as residents in my noggin. This is something I still work on because life is difficult and my brain has the habit of catastrophic thinking. Unfortunately, the healing journey after trauma doesn’t ever have a clear finish line. Gaining a new sense of normalcy so I could feel safe once again has been a process – and it began by picking apart the words that bounced around in my head. Here are some of the more ridiculous things my depression and anxiety have said to me as the years ticked by and the truth I’ve used to fight them:

Everyone hates you. My anxiety and depression like to tell me that everyone hates me. Really? Everyone? I’m pretty certain that quite a few Hollywood stars don’t even know who I am. In fact, NONE of them know who I am, so how could they hate me? It’s a bit extreme of a word to use, and I’m not talking about the word “hate”…I’m talking about the word “everyone”. And yet, there are days that this lie hangs over me like a thick cloud of doom, threatening to rain on my parade. Even more ironic are the days this lie chooses to rear its ugly head. Logically, one would think that this would run through my mind when someone has expressed negative feelings toward me or when I’ve failed at something or, bare minimum, if I forgot to walk my dog and his sorrowful eyes are gouging a hole into my guilt-ridden heart. But no! This lie likes to pop up at random times when life is going really well and many people around me have positive things to say about me and I’m accomplishing great things. So does the lie make a bit of sense? Of course it doesn’t. Lies never do.

The truth? Not everyone will like you in this life, but those who love you are the only ones who ultimately matter.

That’s not right. I have made enough mistakes with information, dates, times, names, etc. that I have started to become paranoid nearly all the time that I’m going to offend someone the second I say their name and begin a conversation. After years of questioning every memory in counseling, I now question my memory so many times in everyday life that I wonder if I am gaslighting myself! I recently called out to a friend I’ve known for years to say hello and I immediately thought, “That’s not her name.” I double checked myself by quickly looking it up in my phone. Sure enough, I had information correct because I’ve known her for more than five years, but what if I hadn’t? Would it have been the end of the world if I had momentarily forgotten? I default now to telling others I don’t remember things well when most of the time, I remember the vast majority of things really well. I’m fearful of that one mistake I’ll make when speaking to someone and they will reel in shock and exclaim we’ve known each other all this time and I can’t remember such and such? Listen, I can’t remember everything because my brain is filled with high priority items like social security numbers, PIN codes, passwords, and a TO DO list the length of the Great Wall of China, mmkay? I tell myself it’s okay to forget things sometimes. I tell myself memory fades over time for absolutely everyone. I have taken to writing things down and reading what I’ve written often or the concept might be lost. This is actually all quite normal. For the life of me, I do not understand why my brain insists that I must remember all things at all times or I am a failure. No one can meet that standard. No one.

The truth? Forgetfulness isn’t a sin and it’s okay to make a mistake.

You’re going to die. DUH. We’re all going to die, but that’s beside the point because this is said as if I’m going to die right now. As I age and with my medical condition, this is a very real fear when I get certain aches and pains. But the sheer amount of times my mind tells me I’m going to die has not yet lined up with the number of times I have actually died (which, as I write this, is zero). So this lie has been wrong every time. It’s amazing how many times the pains have been attributable to some as innocuous as a vigorous ab workout two days ago, dehydration, or simply boredom. Although boredom has been known to kill…

The truth? Pain is an indication that something needs more attention.

I can’t do this again. My mind often says this when my hormones shift and my mental health takes a nosedive. It is difficult to go through a bout of severe depression, but it is disorienting and devastating to go through numerous bouts of severe depression on a regular basis. I often want to give up, but I have a list of things I do when I want to curl up and die. Instead of waiting for the times that suicidal ideation come knocking on the door with a plan to end it all, I pre-emptively made a plan to keep myself alive. It all starts with drinking a tall glass of water. Next, I sit down and talk to God until someone shows up and then I talk to that person. I leave my house and go somewhere. Anywhere. Even better if the leaving of the house comes with exercise of some sort: a walk, a hike, a bike ride. Movement is important. Change of scenery is importanter. I don’t want to leave my house, nor do I want to exercise. I no longer wait to want to do something because, let’s be honest…there are a lot of things that I will never want to do that I need to do because they are good for me. This is one of them. I also eat something I usually like to eat. I might watch a movie or YouTube video that is funny. Finally, I sleep. It is amazing how many times my mood has improved simply by going through the motions of proper self care. All the while, I tell myself this one thing over and over: You survived facing days much harder than this.

The truth? I am strong and can face difficult things, but I don’t have to face them alone.

This is not a complete list of the lies that have floated through my head over the years. These are just a few of the more ridiculous ones that I have faced. Here is the thought process I used to dismantle them:

1. Face the lies. I need to identify my enemy in order to defeat it.
2. Take the lie captive. Putting words to my struggle is, in essence, like imprisoning the lie on paper. It stares back at me from the page, but it is no longer in my head if I brain dump it into a journal.
3. Pick the lie apart. This is a bit like interrogation of a prisoner. Where did you come from? Who sent you? Why are you here? I get to know the lie, its source, its mission. Knowledge is power. The more I know about it, the less power it has over me.
4. Replace the lie with truth. Once I know how truly ridiculous a lie is, I search for the truth to replace it. This might be a Bible verse or a universal truth that is far more grounded in reality than the lie claims to be. I write this truth down and I remind myself of it whenever I hear that particular lie. It’s sometimes still there, screaming at me from its paper prison, but its words carry less weight and are less impactful on my life.

Now I’m not saying that you can cure depression by combating the voices in your head through the power of positive thinking or simply by moving. I am not here to trivialize complex mental health issues by throwing simplistic solutions at them. What I write about here is not the only thing I do to stay mentally strong and healthy. I would never suggest that the power of positive thinking or logical reasoning can save people from suicidal ideation because they can’t.

Please, if you struggle with severe depression and anxiety, I encourage you to seek professional help – yes, even if you are a Christian. There is no shame in following expert advice when you are overwhelmed by symptoms of a very real medical condition because a very real organ (your brain) is struggling to function well. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed.” We go to an accountant for help with finances, a mechanic for help with our vehicles, and a pastor to mentor us in our spiritual journey. Doctors, nurses, and therapists are here to help with medical issues. Your mental health is of the utmost importance to your overall health. Anyone who would tell you otherwise is personally benefiting from you remaining unhealthy and would very much like the power dynamic to remain that way.

What I am suggesting here is this: it is possible to fight the intrusive thoughts and gain ground in your battle against them – as part of a comprehensive medical plan overseen by your doctor and therapist, if you struggle with chronic and severe depression & anxiety.

Stand strong. Think truth. Live well.