Wisdom from the Trenches

“You are still in there somewhere,” my counselor recently said to me. “We just have to dig deeper to find you.”

In this season of transition, I admitted to feeling a little lost. What I used to be (homeschool mom) is no longer what I will be in the very near future. It is disconcerting to stare into the mirror and wonder what I am doing with my life. Even more challenging when all I’ve ever wanted to be in this life is a mom…and my kids are quickly outgrowing a constant need for me. Change is never comfortable. But this change is monumental because I am shifting from being the glue that held everyone and everything together here at home to…*insert personally fulfilling job here*. Here’s the issue: How can I know what will be personally fulfilling if I have spent a good portion of my life prioritizing everyone else above myself?

Somewhere along the way, in this journey we call life, I lost myself! In a fantastically noble-sounding twist (that is sarcasm), I chose to prioritize others’ needs over my own. I pushed myself to the back burner to focus all my time and energy on those around me. And there, ignored and forgotten, I burnt out. It isn’t easy finding what sparks your interest and letting your little light shine when it went out long ago. While I slowly withered away over the years, every Christian around me might have collectively cheered me on because we are called to love others and think of others as better than ourselves, right? Well, not exactly…

I took a hike this morning for the first time in a long time. I walked through nature, admiring the turquoise sky, the greenery on the mountain, the brown earth below my feet, the yellow flowers that dotted the landscape. All the chaos in my life was left behind as I spent an hour and a half walking in perfect silence, surrounded by natural beauty. As is often the case, these hikes result in deep conversations with myself and with God – and answers to life’s most difficult questions come to me with great clarity. A thought struck me as I held a heart-shaped rock in my hand: I love hiking. I have always loved hiking. Time and circumstance made me shrink myself and fade into the background to serve others, but now is the time to stop doing that and start doing the things that bring me joy, boost my mental health naturally, and help me take proper care of my body.

About a mile into the wilderness, something occurred to me that had never occurred to me before: Jesus says to love others, but doesn’t stop there! He says to love others as yourself (Mark 12:31). I believe that Jesus is telling us to treat others as we would treat ourselves, but in the case of a deeply entrenched codependent individual, our ability to love others correctly is hampered by the fact that we do not take proper care of ourselves in a healthy manner. In other words, we don’t really love ourselves…so how can we even begin to truly love others? A codependent’s perspective about what healthy love looks like is non-existent. It looks sacrificial, but the motives are all wrong. It feels selfless, but never giving any thought to our own needs is self-debasing. Treating ourselves like garbage in order to keep another person from suffering the consequences of their choices in life is not proper love for either party involved.

Philippians 2 verse 3 tells us not to do anything selfishly, but to humble ourselves by thinking of others as more important than ourselves. While this verse, when looked at alone, without context, seems to advocate that we continually set our needs and wants aside to do what is in the best interest of others, verse 4 follows with this little nugget of wisdom: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” If you are a Christian, really look at verse 4. Through the use of the words “not only” and “also”, the author of this book in the Bible is telling us that our needs do matter. We should absolutely properly care for ourselves, but in that self-care, we should take into consideration others as well. In other words? It shouldn’t always be about US, that would be selfish. But it shouldn’t always be about OTHERS either, because that would be codependent. A delicate balance between the two is key here.

Christians are taught all people are made in the image of God. The U.S. Constitution says that we are endowed by our Maker with intrinsic value that cannot be taken away. Even the secular world openly acknowledges that people should be treated with common decency. If this holds true across the board, whether Christian or not, why is it acceptable to treat others well to our own detriment. Aren’t we valuable as well? And, if so, wouldn’t it stand to reason that our behavior should reflect our belief system? We should treat ourselves in a manner that upholds our dignity as human beings and then – and only then – we are able to love others as ourselves.

In an airplane, the staff always says in the pre-flight directions, “In the event that the cabin loses pressure, masks will drop from the ceiling. Affix your oxygen mask before helping others.” It is the same in everyday life! Our bodies and minds need certain things in order to function well or even just to function well enough to help others who rely on us for basic care. A codependent internalizes the message that prioritizing their needs is actually selfish, so it is understandable that they will almost always feel guilty when they step away to do even basic tasks like take a shower, go for a hike, nap, or even grab a bite to eat. But let’s think about this in terms of an airplane crisis: a child and a parent both need oxygen. Both have important, non-negotiable needs. However, the staff still teaches responsible adults to don their mask before helping others because they know that an incapacitated person cannot properly care for another person. If we do not take proper care of ourselves, we can not take proper care of others.

We have all heard of “burnout” – that defeated feeling of utter physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion that comes from excessive and prolonged stress. Burnout is a sign that a person has been doing too much, for far too long, for others…to the detriment of their own physical health and emotional wellbeing. People who are experiencing burnout are very likely to snap at others because they just can’t give any more of themselves. Their needs have gone unmet for so long that they have run out of gas, so to speak, and their car either sputters along, ready to stop at any moment…or simply rolls to a depressing halt in the middle of the road, nowhere near their final destination. My greatest indication that I wasn’t behaving very lovingly toward myself was not the fact that I had simply lost sight of who God created me to be, but, more importantly than that: my physical health declined so much that I could no longer ignore the negative effects that improper diet, lack of exercise, and a shortage of personally interesting activities had taken on my life. Let me put it this way: Burnout is the point where your body and mind are reminding you that you’re a person, too. As such, you have energy limits and some very real needs that must be met in order to continue to help others. Taking care of your needs is not selfish…it is non-negotiable. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself and not a lecture to anyone who reads this: Put your mask on first before helping others.

Jesus does say in the Bible, “If anyone compels you to walk one mile, go with them two miles” (Matthew 5:41). It is because of this that the colloquialism “Go the extra mile” exists today. This excuse has probably been used to justify many codependent behaviors and choices within the Church, but I want you to take a moment and look at that verse again. Jesus is advocating going above and beyond expectations even if they are unreasonable or forced upon us, but he is not encouraging people to do this indefinitely. He set realistic limits because, as human beings, we come with some very real limitations in terms of how much stress we can take. We have the ability to set aside our needs temporarily to assist others for a specific period of time. Inconveniencing ourselves to help others was never meant to be a permanent solution!

For those of you who would argue that Jesus gave everything, including his very life, for others, I would encourage you to take notice of how many times the Bible mentions that Jesus withdrew from crowds of people who were desperate for healing, so he and his disciples could eat, pray, and sleep. If Jesus recognized the importance of prioritizing his and his friends’ needs and taking proper care of the human form because he knew it could not take prolonged and excessive stress without breaking down, then my friend, you, too, can follow his example and make time and space for treating yourself with the love, genuine care, and respect you so freely hand out to everyone else.

YOU MATTER, TOO.

Take the time to dig deep and find yourself. Then begin to show yourself some love by prioritizing your needs, even if it means deferring others’ requests of you for a time. This is how we can best love others, on this day and every day of our purpose-filled lives.