Wisdom from the Trenches

At the beginning of the animated movie Shrek, Shrek (an ogre) sets out to save a princess so Shrek can gain back the peace and quiet of his usually isolated swamp that recently became overrun with banished fairytale creatures. Shrek wants his solitude. But a chatterbox character named Donkey follows him on his journey, and the conversation that ensues as they are starting to get to know one another is hilarious…

Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs.
Shrek: NO. LAYERS!! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions.

Shrek refers to onions because they can visually represent the multi-level complexities of his personality. His point is that what you see on the relatively bland exterior isn’t all there is to ogres. You can’t read a book by its cover when it comes to living, breathing creatures. What you see is not what you get…there are deeper, stronger parts to an ogre as you grow closer to the individual and really take the time to peel back the layers of their personality.

Onions are also often used as a metaphor for the process of self-discovery, a process that is integral to healing from trauma. Trauma is damaging on so many levels, but one of the most pernicious is that it continues to erode victims’ sense of self long after the devastating events have passed. Discovering who you really are as an individual after being touched by trauma is a multi-level process that takes time, patience, and persistence. Self-discovery is so important to going from victim to survivor, a mindshift that frees a person to move forward in life.

When I began counseling for what had happened to me in the past, I was confused. I believed in my heart I had forgiven my rapist, citing the one day, years prior, that I had sat on the couch in my living room, cried, and released everything that had transpired to God. Why would God tell me to revisit something that I had already dealt with? Had I failed to truly release it? Had I heard wrong and God did not actually want me to drudge my past back up once again?

That is when my counselor explained to me that healing is like an onion. A victim peels back each layer one at a time, on their own schedule, when they feel prepared to go deeper. Just like an onion, each layer of healing stings a bit more than the last. Just like an onion, each layer of healing tends to evoke stronger emotion (and more tears). Just like an onion, each layer of healing brings a person closer to the real heart of the issue. Just like an onion, each layer of healing looks slightly different than the last.

My therapist taught me that what I did back then, in my living room, was acknowledge the onion. I looked at the outer layer of my pain, I cried, and gave my pain back to God for safekeeping because I was not prepared to peel back the layers of trauma in that moment. She assured me God understood my need for time before I could begin to peel back the layers and He was pleased that I had taken the first step by acknowledging the truth in my life. Sitting on my therapist’s couch in her office, I began to look deeper into my pain – not to relive what had happened – but to analyze how it continued to impact me as a person and to reclaim the parts of me that trauma had attempted to destroy.

Each layer of healing brought me a new life lesson: I learned to acknowledge what really happens in my life – good, bad, or indifferent. I learned to look for ways trauma continued to erode my sense of self worth, my concept of who I am as a person, my general health and wellbeing, my feelings of safety, my relationships with others. I learned how to take back control of my life by choosing to forge different paths in response to triggering situations. I learned to deal with concrete medical issues so that I could more easily deal with less tangible emotional responses. I learned to differentiate between situations that are truly my responsibility and situations that arise due to others’ choices and actions – and then I learned to take responsibility for ME and allow others the space to take responsibility for themselves. I learned forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. I learned dealing with trauma is cyclical and, just like onions, needs to be faced more than once in life. I learned that my worth in life isn’t connected to whether or not I fully heal, how much or little I accomplish in this life, how many or few mistakes I make while living, or how perfect or flawed I appear to the world because my value as a person is intrinsic since my creation.

If healing is like an onion, therapy is like the knife that helps you more easily access the layers of trauma. The counselor helps guide you in where to cut, how to make cuts that will be most beneficial in your life, and helps you deal with the issues that arise as you peel back each layer. Healing can definitely happen without a skilled human counselor, just as you can pull back the layers of an onion without the use of kitchen utensils. Just be aware that the work in both cases (peeling an onion and healing from trauma) without proper tools and knowledgeable guidance tends to be more tedious and quite cumbersome.

If you have been through a harrowing situation in the past and you have begun the process of looking back so that you can be freed to move forward unhindered, I encourage you to find a solid counselor that you trust to help guide you during the healing process. Because healing truly is like an onion – it’s a stinky process, it will make you cry, not everyone likes it because it is ugly and messy, and if you leave it sitting stagnant for too long, it can turn brown and start sproutin’ little white hairs and stuff. Just kidding. But the underlying trauma driving the need for healing will continue to rot and erode away at parts of your life that you deserve to resurrect, restore, and reclaim. Healing begins by acknowledging your past hurts. Healing happens by peeling back the layers. Maybe you don’t believe that you deserve better right now, but I assure you I have peeled back enough layers of my own pain to learn that what happened to you is not who you are. You have worth. Your life is valuable. And yes, you deserve a better life than what exists due to past hurt.