Wisdom from the Trenches

As a child, I played a game called “Simon Says”. The leader calls the shots, but you only do the action if the command is preceded by the words “Simon says…”. If the leader called out a command without these words attached to it and you did the subsequent command, you were out of the game. The point of the entire game is to only do the instructions that “Simon Says”. Last man standing is the winner.

As a young adult, I played a game called “Codependency Says”. My codependent mind called the shots, but I would only do the action if it meant I appeared to be demonstrating an appropriate level of people-pleasing behavior. Sadly, I believed so many things that were emotionally unhealthy and wrong. Everything seemed to go well in my relationships as long as I played the game. I often wasn’t happy, but that wasn’t the point of the game. The point of the game was to do what was required to keep the peace. The moment I began to move differently, I was thrown out of the arena in several unhealthy relationships…and I began to clearly see codependency pulling all my strings and bossing me around for the very first time. I want to share some of what I learned with you:

Codependency says your feelings matter very little. So little, in fact, that you often can’t name them or articulate them to others. Ironically, codependency makes you acutely aware of other people’s feelings. You become adept at reading the room. Constantly monitoring your safety level by gauging others’ emotions gives you very little time to explore your own. Your gut feelings are often spot on, but you ignore them to keep other people comfortable. Why would you want to articulate your feelings, if you could? Because…

Codependency also says no one will care how you feel and no one will ever meet your needs, so codependency says don’t give them the chance! Talking about what others are doing (You never listen to me!) is much easier than articulating a vulnerable emotion (I don’t feel heard). Attacking people (You never touch me!!) is much easier than asking for what you need (Could I please have a hug right now?). If we ask, we can’t manipulate. If we aren’t manipulating, we don’t feel in control. Asking acknowledges the existence of free will and gives others a chance to decide on their own. And that’s scary because…

Codependency says people will abandon us if we don’t manage the situation at hand. So we grasp desperately at people around us in an effort to make it all bend to our will, not God’s will. If people are playing to our whims and fancies, they can’t leave us. What does this look like? Picking fights so people are forced to engage in conversation with us. Complimenting someone to draw them back into relationship. Shaming or guilting others for failure to meet expectations that were never communicated to them, to maintain an unpredictable atmosphere in the relationship. Keep them guessing and they might be too confused to leave. Which gives you the upper hand. This is necessary because…

Codependency says we must save others. We must save our husband from addiction, our friends from falling apart, our children from poor choices, our family of origin from generational sin, our coping mechanisms from being found out, and our coworkers from being fired. To do so, we must be convinced we know better and we must save at any cost – even if it means sacrificing ourselves. Especially if it means sacrificing ourselves because…

Codependency says we are martyrs. We die to ourselves for a noble cause, like Christ. We put abusers and other unhealthy individuals on pedestals as idols and bend over backwards to people-please. We do everything to keep the waters in a relationship calm, even if that means sitting silently in the boat and not picking up the oars to move forward in life. We sacrifice our hopes and dreams. We sacrifice our children’s happiness. We sacrifice our voices, our feelings, our very being for the façade of “keeping the peace”. We are not the peacemakers Jesus talks about. We are avoidant to keep the calm, which we mistake for peace. We sacrifice our lives – just like Christ. This should inflate our self esteem, making us feel more important than we actually are in this world, but it doesn’t because…

Codependency is lying. Pretending to be Jesus doesn’t mean we are. Try as we might, we can’t save other people. Enabling is not helping. Shielding someone from the natural consequences of their actions blocks opportunities for them to learn and to grow. It stops them from having to face the one true God and others people directly, and give a full account for their behavior and actions. Preoccupation with another person’s faults hinders our own progress in life. It is a welcome distraction that ensures we rarely (or never) face our own issues so we can learn and grow.

Just like “Simon Says”, codependency is a made up, suggestive game, invented to control our bodies, minds, and choices. Just like “Simon Says”, a new game starts and I hop right in sometimes until I remember this isn’t right and step back out. Healing from codependency is a lifelong process because underlying emotional wounds keep trying to pull our strings – and, in turn, we try to control the situation that drew us back into the game. I have learned that joining the game is a choice – one of many. And I have learned that other options are so much healthier.