Wisdom from the Trenches

Throughout the years, I have encountered a few folks who seem to think my joy or enthusiasm is fake because I have a big personality. When discussing celebrations, happy events, or good news, raised with a theatrical background and as an extrovert, it is physically impossible for me to remain monotone and feed others emotionally-modulated, one-line responses. I am often jubilantly happy. Sadly, misinterpretation of my joy sometimes happens, especially around people who have a more difficult time processing and/or expressing emotion.

I have found that as my life progresses in the positive direction it is naturally taking, with every upbeat post or happy announcement, I have been unfriended by a few, I have encountered people who are personally offended by my pleasant mood, and I have been verbally attacked over joy-filled remarks about joyful events. Unwittingly, I have scared some because I am expressive and have consequently been harshly and unfairly judged by those who do not know how to accurately read or process high levels of emotion.

I thought I would take the time to make a few points that I cannot stress nearly enough, the first being the most important point everyone on Earth needs to understand: Other people’s happiness is not an attack on you. Happiness is like wind – there is enough wind for everyone’s sails. We might sail at different paces based on how we position ourselves or how we orient ourselves on the water because the wind will pick up a sail differently based on angles. But one person sailing quickly along is not “stealing” the wind from others’ sails! Happiness is so similar. We all move through life with very different attitudes, moods, and personalities. We position ourselves in life in radically different ways based on who we intrinsically are – and that often determines how quickly happiness “catches our sails” and how far it carries us when it does. The ease that one experiences happiness in this life is not an attack on the one who does not experience happiness at the same level.

In the same vein, happiness is not a competition. There can be more than one “winner” at being happy. Joyful people such as myself are not “stealing” or “hoarding” others’ happiness. There is not less happiness in the world because some seem to have so much of it. The only limits to the amount of joy or happiness are all personally-imposed limits brought about by personality, medical conditions, or life choices. There is room for everyone to walk different paths that bring them each joy on different levels and at different times. I celebrate others when they buy a new home, graduate college, decide to go on a huge travel vacation, get pregnant, publish a book, post pictures of their puppy. It doesn’t matter that my life might be on a different trajectory or if I am experiencing hard times. Their life accomplishments and mountaintop moments are still cause for celebration because it is their moment to shine and the bare minimum I can do as a key person in their journey is to encourage them and cheer them on. If I can’t muster up the energy to respond appropriately in their moment of joy, it is important for me to avoid becoming a bully. I might not be able to match the intensity of their joy, but I certainly don’t need to tear them down so I will feel more comfortable. That’s just cruel.

Second, my counselor recently reminded me that people express emotion differently. With the exception of abusers, people don’t express emotion incorrectly – just DIFFERENTLY. In learning to navigate various personality differences in my own life and with the help of skilled counselors throughout the years, I have learned so much about human beings. I know people who are far less emotive (unless triggered) and I know folks who are VERY in tune with their emotions and expressive in various ways. Just as a less exuberant emotion in everyday life is not wrong, the display of large emotions on a regular basis is also not wrong. Some people navigate life in a less expressive fashion, but that does not mean we should all be expected to behave as if we lack complex feelings simply to make certain personality types feel more comfortable. In communication, freedom in expression is an important liberty we all desire – and one we should extend to others as a common courtesy. As long as we are not using that freedom to verbally abuse another, we should be free to express our emotions in our individual style.

To take this point even further, I must add this: some struggle to identify just one emotion when they feel…something. Others are able to rapidly articulate several emotions felt simultaneously. Neither person is wrong. This simply comes down to each individual’s character. I am the latter person. I often feel several very different emotions at the same time and, if given the chance, can adequately articulate all of them. But the complexity of my emotions doesn’t mean I let them rule my life! I have walked through hellish conditions a few times in my short life so I have seen enough of hell to know I don’t want to reside there! I have cultivated the invaluable ability to appreciate joy amidst pain, to find beauty in brokenness – and therein lies my purpose and life mission: to shine a light in dark places. I am not denying we all go through difficult things. I am certainly not smothering anyone with toxic positivity. But I am also not fake because I can be optimistic when faced with difficult circumstances. Paul said, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation” (Philippians 4:12). I call this dancing in the rain. Rain can ruin a party, but also nourishes all living things. It is not one or the other – rain is both…and so much more! Dancing in the rain is about perspective. It is the ability to see that very few things in this life are all good or all evil. I have come to the understanding that life is complicated and in this intricate world, our emotions are sometimes also complex, our personalities are definitely diverse, and our abilities to communicate our inner workings widely vary.

Finally, we all need to adjust for different personality types at times and to an extent. Let me put it this way: some people are Berts and some are Ernies – but Sesame Street taught us that two radically different personality types can live amicably together for quite a long time by adapting and accommodating…but this takes work on both sides.

When I was venting about a work situation once, my husband stopped me and asked if I was mad at him. Goodness NO! I wasn’t even angry! I was frustrated over something completely unrelated to him at all. But he took a moment to notify me that my tone was flooding him and he mentally reset. Meanwhile, I took a moment to clarify myself and to modify my tone a bit. There was an uncomfortable feeling because of misperception, but he followed the principles of healthy communication to gain understanding and because he did, we avoided an argument based on misunderstanding. We are all unique in personality and communication style, so we will all encounter communication issues at one time or another. What I am learning right now is that a relationship is unhealthy and unreasonable if the expectation is that only one person must do all the changing to placate another. It is not an introvert’s responsibility to change so he or she better fits into an extrovert-friendly world. But it is not an extrovert’s responsibility to mute or edit who he or she is so that others will feel better about themselves. Often, as is more likely the case, both must work to understand the differences and mutually adapt when a specific situation arises that requires it. It is domineering and abusive to expect everyone to bend to the will of another in every interaction. Communication is a two-way street where both parties must follow respectful guidelines to move forward together.

And this all starts with understanding that I am not you and you are not me, we feel differently, and we express ourselves in unique ways. To quote Ernie from Sesame Street, “The key to a lasting friendship is always respecting each other, listening to each other, and caring what the other person thinks and feels.”