Wisdom from the Trenches

At the beginning of therapy, my counselor sat down with me and asked me to think for a moment about what my reason for coming to counseling. This wasn’t a moment to think about the details of what had happened to me, but a pause to focus on the why. She told me that when things get difficult (and they always will when you face your past trauma), if my reason wasn’t strong enough, I would stop going. She told me so many people begin counseling – and quit. They take all of their baggage out of the closet, they open up all the boxes so their issues are readily visible, and then they just leave those issues sitting out in the open for all to see. Exposed. Raw. They take the first step by bringing their issues and past trauma into the light, but they don’t actually deal with it. They rip off the Band-Aid in therapy…and then walk around hemorrhaging all over everyone they love because they never finish cleaning and dressing the wound. They mistake awareness for healing. And then she told me if I’m not willing to see this through to the end, I will actually be worse off that if I had never started counseling at all.

She told me that reasons and the excuses always pile up – there is always a reason to NOT go, to avoid facing the ugliest parts of my life. Whether in the form of a distraction (usually in the form of someone who is close to you and emotionally wounding you – clearly they need help, not you) or simply active discouragement (things are getting worse, not better), my counselor told me something always stands in the way of victims finding true and complete healing.

She asked me my reason for being there…my why. I remember looking right at her and I said, “God told me to be here.” She had me open my notebook and write that down. I would revisit that statement time and time again to refocus when distracted, weary, or hopeless. I was there to work on me because God told me to be there. I was not there to heal anyone else in my family who had issues. I was there because God told me to work on myself.

Before I could understand the magnitude of what was headed my way, she told me that things as I know them would fall apart – that they have to fall apart – in order to be put back correctly. She warned me that what I have now would crumble. She then asked me, “When it all falls apart, do you have a solid foundation in Christ? Do you firmly believe with all your heart that what you just wrote is true?” My counselor was beginning my therapy not by asking for a commitment to counseling, but by asking me to commit to following God.

And then we got to work, dealing with my various issues.

What she was attempting to warn me about what I affectionately call one of the “dangers” of counseling. As you heal, you will begin to respond in a healthy way to people. Unhealthy people are surrounded by unhealthy people. And the second you begin to set healthy boundaries in an unhealthy relationship, the person who is on the other side of the relationship who does not share your rate of growth will not be happy. Relationships that are grounded in the fact that you are a train wreck of an individual, relationships that rely on you being unhealthy, relationships that have been built on an unbalanced power differential are all threatened by change. People who depend on the fact that you will respond a certain unhealthy way will receive an unexpected response from you and they will not like it. Or people who are used to feeling superior because your life is always a hot mess will grow uncomfortable as they continue to compare their life to yours…and theirs begins to look shoddy in comparison. Healing creates conflict because it challenges the status quo of unhealthy relationships. My therapist said it this way, “You begin to dance to a different beat, so the relationship dance is out of sync, feels awkward, and agitates others. Hold fast to your choice to change and let them make their own decision to stay in the relationship by changing – or to walk away.”

How have I maintained a positive and happy demeanor as issues in unhealthy relationships surfaced? Great question. I would love to tell you…

1. Communication. I am not afraid to confront someone who is being rude, who is in the wrong, or who is unhealthy. I have engaged in all-out battles with people and I have simply stated my viewpoint and left it at that. There is a healthy way to communicate and I don’t always choose that route if the person is being particularly difficult, but I don’t avoid the person, hold onto my offense, and fester. I also don’t speak to people in parables or with not-so-subtle hints. I learned in codependency group therapy that passive aggressive communication is worthless, so I avoid it at all times now. If I have a beef with you (which is rare), I will sort it out and go directly to you with my arsenal of big girl words to hash it out. Healthy relationships are not define as relationships that lack conflict. Healthy relationships are relationships where direct communication is actively practiced on a regular basis. Direct communication has 100% improved my life in at least three ways:
   • It gives me the opportunity to articulate the things that do not sit right with me, which gets it off the broken record in my mind and into the hands of the person causing the issues.
   • It gives me an opportunity to ask questions that clarify confusing situations because sometimes, it’s simply a misunderstanding or they have a skewed perspective.
   • It gives me the opportunity to specify what behaviors I will, or will not, accept in my life by stating my boundaries.
2. Perspective. We have all been given free will and unique viewpoints. I present my perspective on something and back it up with the information I have on hand…and then I let the other person make their own decision. I don’t reignite the conversation with a new or better way of saying what I have already stated. I don’t revisit the conversation time and time again when they clearly are not in a place to receive what I’ve said or we are simply not in agreement on the issue. I take a hint from Elsa and let it go. I give space, pray about it, and let them come to their own conclusion. I don’t have to like what they choose (who likes poor decisions?), I don’t have to accept what they choose in my life (this is where boundaries come in handy), but I do have to allow them to choose (because trying to rule the situation at hand by attempting to make the person see it my way is a manipulative position to take in a relationship, strips God of His power, and arrogantly places myself on the throne in my life).
3. Boundaries. I was once asked what boundary someone could set so that their family member would stop doing that hurtful thing they are doing and my response shocked them: No such boundary exists. Boundaries don’t exist to control others. Boundaries exist to control what behaviors you will permit in your own life. Let’s say your neighbor brings his dog to your front yard to poop every day. You ask your neighbor to stop. He doesn’t. You shout at your neighbor to stop. He doesn’t. You tell him to clean up the dog poop in your front yard. He doesn’t. A boundary would be building a fence. Now your front yard is free of dog poop and he must find somewhere else to go. He hasn’t changed his behavior because he is still an irresponsible dog owner…you’ve just found a way to keep it from contaminating your life. Boundaries, when implemented correctly, are the most incredible things for creating your safe and happy space. What does this look like in everyday life? If I know someone is passive aggressive, I hide their Facebook account from my view when we have a disagreement. If someone continually treats me poorly and/or is a constant source of negativity, I minimize my contact with that person and keep necessary contact as surface-level as possible. If someone is being incredibly cruel in a conversation, I state that I cannot talk to them right now and I have hung up or walked away. I journal, I hike, I swing by the lake, I pet my dog to bring myself back into a better frame of mind by reminding myself of truth…and then I revisit the conversation when I feel ready.