Wisdom from the Trenches

I remember sitting all alone in the little, military chapel in Germany and, as I looked at the front of the room, I asked God, “What do you want from me?” I was feeling guilty, as if I was to blame for being sexually assaulted. I was taking all of the responsibility for a choice I had fought against…and lost. I wanted God, in His divine wisdom, to tell me something to do that could make up for the “sin” I thought I had committed. I wanted Him to tell me what penance I could pay to appease Him. I thought if he wanted me to shout from the mountain tops that Jesus Christ is Lord, I would do it. If He wanted me to witness to everyone, I would do it. I was desperate to make up for what I thought I had done wrong. But He had no intention of punishing me for a sin I did not commit.

He said two words to me: Be Happy. I’ll be honest…I thought I had misheard. I thought it was a ridiculous thing and that I was just thinking what I wanted to hear. So I asked again. “What do want from me?” I heard again, “Be happy.” It wasn’t said to mock my pain. It wasn’t said with condemnation. It was said in love. My happiness mattered to God. I sat with that awhile because I didn’t think it made any sense. I thought it was too simple. Too easy. It confused me because I wondered if it was even God. I struggled with it, but wrote it down anyway. Over time, I wrestled with this simple command and came to the conclusion that attempting to live a positive life every day, regardless of my challenges, is definitely something worth pursuing. I also found that it is one of the most difficult things God has ever told me to do, despite its simplicity. Here are the “Happiness ABC’s” I learned along the way…

1. Awareness is advantageous. In order to live a positive life, it is absolutely essential that I am able to identify areas in my life that are hindering me. I must be able to fully understand my actual emotions and why they are surfacing. My ability to be able to look at a situation objectively, and correctly gauge my reaction to it, is the first step toward cultivating a happy life.
2. Balance is best. As a trauma victim, it is incredibly easy to slip into catastrophic thinking – a mindset where a minor inconvenience can ruin an entire day or one person’s poor choice can lead me to believe they are basically the devil. This black-and-white perspective on the world isn’t accurate, isn’t beneficial, and isn’t Christ-like. Everything in the world is actually varying shades of grey. Most people are not perfect angels or little demons, and in order to live a positive life, it’s best to acknowledge this fact on a regular basis. There is good with the bad. I can have a flat tire and still have a good day. I can weather a personal failure without letting it define who I am. Even that person who seemingly ruined my life brought about some of the most important life lessons I have ever learned – even if all I learned was what not to do!
3. Check-ins are critical. Frequent body scans are useful to catching physical symptoms that are often indicative of deeper emotional stirrings. I have often realized that I am stressed because I stopped to pay attention to my muscles and breathing. When every muscle in my body is tensed (as if the need for flight is imminent), and I am taking rapid, shallow gulps of air, I know I need to slow down or I will experience a breakdown. Without regular check-ins, I plod blindly on – straight into an emotional Minefield of Doom. Emotional explosions aren’t exactly a hallmark of a peaceful, positive existence.
4. Denial isn’t the same as discretion. And vice versa. Discretion is the power of deciding based on the facts present. Denial is the act of declaring something untrue when it is, in fact, true. Discretion is using my power to decide who should not have access to my life because the person is unsafe, immature, or reckless with my heart. Denial is pretending that person doesn’t exist and our history has been erased. Discretion is exercising my right to choose what I read, hear, or focus my mental energy on. Denial means I ignore the reality of what is going on in our world today. Discretion says to others, “I am upset and need time away from this conversation.” Denial says to others, “I am not upset,” as I stomp around the kitchen, slamming cabinet doors and furiously chopping veggies for dinner. Discretion is knowing I struggle and telling others that God helps me daily. Denial is telling people that God has completely healed me from my trauma and yet, I keep all relationships at arm’s length because I have trust issues, I work myself to the bone because I have worth issues, and I robotically pass through my days because I am out of touch with my emotions. Discretion is healthy. Denial is not.
5. Eating healthy food is essential. With as much as our world has heard about the importance of a healthy diet, I don’t feel I can add much to the conversation, other than my own experience. Incremental changes in my eating habits led to less depressive episodes, more energy, and increased ability to think clearly in the midst of chaos. Before mental health issues can sufficiently be addressed, physical health issues should be considered. So many of our issues begin with our gut. Feed it well and moods tend to improve a bit.
6. Fitness is foundational. It is scientifically proven that moods improve when we regularly work movement into our daily routine. Additionally, simply being outdoors increases our outlook on life. As I stumbled through my life, I began to realize that my happiest moments were while I was hiking. The exercise helped reset my breathing, gave me time to talk to God, brought me somewhere interesting with an incredible view, and made me stronger. With all the contributions to my physical health, it kind of seems like a no-brainer that hiking gave me a mental boost at the same time!

Unfortunately, this is where my happiness alphabet comes to a screeching halt because I’ve lost interest in continuing on and I honestly have no idea what I would say for “X”. In Part I of Cultivating a Positive Life, I wrote about managing my virtual life. In this section, I wanted to address a basic toolkit for those who are just beginning to take their emotional health and wellbeing into their own hands. There are so many more aspects to write about when it comes to creating a positive life, but I don’t want to overwhelm anyone and I really need to save some of it for Part III…So, CIAO!