Wisdom from the Trenches

My counselor looked at me and said, “What you are about to face are very difficult memories. First, I want you to take a moment and find your Safe Space. This should be a real or imaginary place you can return to in your mind when you are distressed. Was there a place you have been in life that made you feel empowered or happy? Can you visualize this place in your mind? What do you see? What do you smell? How do you feel? Now hold on to that. Practice going there when you are upset this week – or even just when you are stressed or need a break. Focus on breathing. Remember the sights and sounds. Remember how that place made you feel. Get really good at retreating to this spot when necessary…because it will be necessary.” I left that session with the assignment fresh in mind – and laughed until I cried, as I drove home in the car.

To be honest, I thought this was the biggest load of complete hogwash I had ever heard. I am an Army veteran. When my battle buddy in Basic Training was injured, I carried her gear and mine on a 5 mile hike out to our bivouac site. Her heavy pack was slung onto the front of my body and blocked my view of the ground in front of me. Right before the hike, I fell – heavily – on my left knee, as I ran to collect our weapons. I was injured when I began that hike, but I made it through while carrying twice the weight everyone else in my platoon carried. I successfully completed some of the most grueling exercises known to mankind while in the military. I faced many of these challenges while injured and I got through all of them by pushing through with sheer bullheadedness. I was strong, not weak. I didn’t need a “Safe Space” to get me through tough times.

Or did I? Once home from therapy that day, I recalled moving to Wurzburg so many years before and being assigned to live in the same barracks building as my rapist. Our building was outfitted with coed bathroom facilities. For two years, my life was an absolute nightmare. I escaped, as often as I could, by walking the streets in Germany. My mindless wanderings often led me to hike to the fortress across the river and at the top of a hill. From there, I would perch on the outer wall and watch each tourist struggle up the trail to the fortress. My vantage point gave me a bird’s eye view of those below me. It was there that I felt safe. It was there – and only there – that I could fully relax. It was truly my Safe Space.

Not surprisingly, I chose the fortress in Wurzburg as my Safe Space when I began therapy so many years ago. It worked like a charm…until it didn’t. About halfway through my counseling, I began experiencing deep depression when I mentally retreated to my Safe Space to calm down. My Safe Space no longer helped me feel empowered and in control. My Safe Space just made me sad. Over time, I began to understand that I had outgrown this spot in my visualization practice. I had chosen the fortress because it was directly associated with my trauma and because it was one of the precious few relatively positive experiences I had during that time frame. The fortress was a spot in my past where I could feel strong when I was most vulnerable. Halfway through counseling, I was beginning to grieve the fact that I went there because I was terrified and never because I just wanted to enjoy the view. My mind was ready to move on from that time and space.

And so, I did. With guidance and encouragement from my counselor, I chose a new, unrelated-to-trauma Safe Space: Half Dome. In 2009, I had hiked to the top of Half Dome, a massive half-rock looming over Yosemite Valley in California. I made the trek during a particularly depressing time in my life, but from the top of Half Dome, I felt truly happy once again. I wasn’t there because I was terrified. I had not run there to escape my life. It was simply something I had wanted to do – and I did. I could still remember the sights, the sounds, and the smells. I felt so accomplished and so full of joy. In my memory, Half Dome had always been a place of strength, a place of hope, and a place of happiness. It made sense to choose that as my new Safe Space. Half Dome sustained me to the end of counseling, in 2013, and beyond.

The exercise to visualize a Safe Space seemed so ridiculous and far-fetched to me not because it was a foreign practice. I had actually retreated to a Safe Space long ago while stationed in a foreign land! The exercise felt silly to me because it was intentional, it was my choice. It was bizarre to me because I was a victim who had been stripped of my right to choose over a decade prior, I was being once again handed the power to choose, and I didn’t know what to do with it! I was being empowered to deliberately select my Safe Space as a place I could choose to go to regain control over my emotions and mental state – and I didn’t quite know what to do with this power. When someone has gone as long as I had being controlled by the memories of a monster who has long faded into the shadows of the past, it felt weird to take back control of my own life. The exercise was never about finding a Safe Space…it was about regaining my God-given free will, my right to choose. What seemed so silly was such an important step in the healing process.

It might be different for you. You might not be encouraged to choose a Safe Space, but an exercise here or a practice there might feel so odd to you in your healing journey. I want to encourage you to take that step and try something new and different. Perhaps it will help and you will be grateful you tried. Perhaps it won’t and you will know what doesn’t work. Perhaps, like me, it will work until it doesn’t…and you will need to once again change course. Regardless, you will be better off than when you started. And that’s the goal, right? To be better versions of ourselves every day of our lives. May you choose the steps you need to take to heal and may you have the strength to take them, whatever they might be.