Wisdom from the Trenches

In life, we are sold so many conflicting phrases and this pair is a real doozy that holds so many hostage to never getting the help they need to thrive as they move forward in life: “You have to put your past behind you”, but also “Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it.” Perhaps something was lost in translation since the phrase about putting the past behind us formed in the recesses of its author’s mind. Perhaps it was simply a catchy phrase by a motivational speaker, to be used solely in that moment. Perhaps we took the statement a bit farther than it was intended…into denial-based living. What we know now is this: if we don’t face our issues and learn from them, we are, in fact, doomed to repeat the very same mistakes we made in our personal histories.

At the end of every year, I (along with countless others around the globe) take a moment to pause and reflect back on the last year of my life before I move boldly into the new year. I review hurts and grievances, my decisions, my successes, my shortcomings, my dreams, my personal habits to gain a realistic perspective of what I am capable of accomplishing in the near future, to avoid bringing unwanted “baggage” into the following year, to give myself a true fresh start. I set realistic goals based on this information, to bring me closer to becoming the person I ultimately want to be. While I guarantee no one would argue that this annual tradition and common societal practice is shameful and should be avoided at all costs, raising the topic of looking back on your past in counseling in order to do the very same thing is viewed through a completely different lens – often by the same individuals who, ironically, reflect on their lives at the end of every year in order to move forward into their future, hopefully as improved versions of themselves. Huh…

I remember being admonished by several well-meaning friends and by poorly equipped clergy in my church about my choice to finally address the trauma that happened over a decade prior in my life. When I finally chose to sit with the deep feelings I had stuffed and ignored for far too long so that they would stop popping up at random times to poison my life, steal my joy, or, worse…retraumatize me, I was judged by some individuals for not “forgiving” and moving on with my life. But how can you truly forgive if you haven’t acknowledged all the damage someone has inflicted on your life? Denial-based “forgiveness” is a cheap substitute for true forgiveness. It is a burial of very real and alive feelings as if that area in life is dead and gone. Glossing over victim’s feelings and pressuring them to perform the lip-service of releasing anger, resentment, or hatred toward another human being is something that is often pushed in our world. I believe this is promoted for one reason: comfort.

It is uncomfortable to sit with feelings from deep woundings. It is much easier to avoid, distract, ignore, and bury. I am not at all saying this to further shame victims for not dealing with their past. Putting trauma on the back burner until a victim feels safe enough to adequately address the past is absolutely necessary and serves an important purpose. I don’t want you to think for one second that I advocate for pushing hurt individuals into counseling before they are prepared to do so. No. When dealing with trauma in particular, it is essential that the victim is handed the reins and feels in control of the process. Trauma often steals our God-given right to free will from its victims. Returning free will to victims is a very important aspect of the healing process.

I say what I say to call out those who silence hurt individuals who attempt to speak up or seek medical assistance so that they can address the past and move on to a brighter future. It is uncomfortable to listen to another person’s dark emotions when processing an unfathomable act of trauma. It is more comfortable to cultivate stories about the goodness of mankind or of the goodness of God and avoid anything that might present a challenge to this carefully selected narrative. For abusers or wrongdoers, it is exceptionally difficult to be held accountable for one’s own hurtful, abusive, or criminal behavior. It would be preferable to maintain the image that one is loving, kind, generous…when in reality, this image is a façade and an alternate life is being lived behind closed doors. A desire for comfort, and to maintain status quo, often drives others to force victims further into unhealthy silence, in the name of “forgiveness”…a forgiveness so cheap, it could not possibly have been bought with the blood of Jesus’ sacrifice.

Our lives are meant to be lived with perspective. We cannot gain perspective if we do not study history – beginning with our personal history. We need to know where we came from, the generational struggles our family faces, and our relevant family history before we can plot a course for our future. We need to know where we have been, process our pain and grief, and become familiar with our own personal hang ups before we can actually move forward unhindered. In essence, we need to sort through our baggage and decide what we want to keep because it is associated with positive memories, what we need to store because it holds powerful life lessons that give us purpose and direction, and what we should ditch because it never did, or no longer, serves us in any way.

If you are in the process of seeking help to process past events or you are in the thick of therapy right now, I want you to know that I’m proud of you. You are sorting through the baggage so you can decide what goes, what stays, and what can be banked for later. You are courageous for choosing to do this. You probably feel weak, but you are stronger than most because you have chosen a path no one should ever have to take – you have chosen to clean up the mess someone else left in your life. Others might not understand because they have chosen differently and so, your choice makes them feel uncomfortable. But don’t give up! Your life will become infinitely more beautiful every time you look back at what was so you can move forward even faster into the future that you desire for your life.